The Soul's Call Home

There are things in life that for some reason or the other just wont dissipate, disappear or go away.  I've always believed that was the universe's way of say "No...you're not done yet." Or, "There isn't an expiration date on this!" Or, "You haven't learned the lesson yet, have you?".  To me, all of these reasons of why feelings, thoughts, actions, emotions, or people will not just go away.  This is also me trying to make sense of things.  They are frustrating as hell, but yet they make sense.  The bible says that God planted eternity in the human heart and even so we still cannot see the whole scope of his work from beginning to end.  It's a cycle, life that is.  It is forever and eternal.  So why do we think that things should end or come to a close?  Think about this, when we read something, a book, a blog, newspaper, whatever, there is always a final chapter, a final paragraph, a final sentence.  It's over, completed, done.  But is it?  No.  We can choose to open that book right back up and start over from the beginning and re-read it.  Have another experience with that book.  Perhaps it's the same experience every time but maybe it's not.  Regardless, we have made the choice to go back.  I happen to understand this concept more than I think anyone in my life. I do it all the time.  Return to a song, a book, a movie, a thought, a memory, a friend.  Sometimes the things or people I return to are not so good for me, and sometimes it's exactly what I need.  Regardless it reminds me of the happier times in my life, and I think that is why I go there.

Through all of my loves and losses, there is still one that I can't let go of.  I have definitely moved on in other areas of my life and tried relentlessly to move forward with other men, but this one man, I cannot let go.  I wish I could.  My heart wouldn't be so heavy.  Time and time again I come back to him, in my thoughts and heart.  If eternity lies in my heart, well then my feelings of love for him are eternally in my heart. And I can't help it!  I don't think I want to let him go.  I mean, I don't want to stop loving.  I choose to love him.  He's a good man and was my best friend for years.  He was there when all my other friends were hours away living their own lives, as people do.  He held my emotional and spiritual hand through my darkest days.  He made me laugh, so hard and so often.  He made me feel amazing about myself, inside and out.  There was no guard up around my heart.  I was open and honest and my true self with him.  And the really amazing thing about all of this was that I did the same for him.  I made him feel the same way.  I was his best friend, his confidant, his partner.  So truth be told, I like the way it makes me feel when I look back on that time.  How many of us can say that when they look back on past loves, it makes them feel happy and joyful?  Not many and certainly not me.  I don't look back on my other past loves and feel that way.  Not even close.  So what gives?  I don't know.  But part of me, a big part of me wonders if I'll ever see him again and if so, what would that be like?  Would it be like the time we meet in a Hotel lobby in Chicago for lunch?  I remember it was so busy that day, and I had just arrived there.  I was in the lobby with a thousand other people waiting for him to get off of the elevator.  I was on one side of the lobby and the elevators were on the opposite side.  I thought to myself, "He'll never find me in all of these people."  Finally the elevator doors opened and there he was.  He searched the crowed until his eyes and mine locked on each other, then our smiles.  Then suddenly through all of the chaos, he was standing there right in front of me.  Bright and shiny and embraced me with the best hug of my life.  Would it be like that?  Will he ever find me again?  I'd like to think so.  I choose to believe in eternity.

It Came Back

Something that I lost, a long time ago, perhaps almost two years ago or more, finally came back to me.  I finally found it! I remember being so upset when I lost it and trying so hard to find it but I couldn't ever find it.  I tried so many times and so many things to get my little treasure back and it was just...gone...forever! Ugh...the agony.  But finally I had to give up.  I had to let it go and move on which for me is extremely hard to do.  But I had to do this or drive myself crazy obsessing over this. And so I did.  I gave up the search and moved on. Then two years later I found it.  Just like that...it appeared.  I just happened to stumble over it so simply and easily that it shocked me especially after all the time and effort I had put into searching for it.  But, there it was just where I had left it.  It was an amazing feeling to find something that I had literally buried my soul in and gave me such comfort in a time in my life that was so confusing, to finally have it back in my hands.  Honestly, it was so overwhelming to have it again that I've kind of been a little obsessed with it.  I mean, I'm blogging about this little treasure.  But it's really not about my lost treasure, it's about the way that treasure made me feel. I could use this as an escape.  I can look back to where I was in those moments and where I am today and just breathe and be happy and release.  I made it!  I really did make it to the other side and all of those memories, are the building blocks for my future.  Mostly, I feel like I have a piece of myself back. A piece of me that has been missing for a while.  I know this doesn't make a lot of sense, but it will.  In time it will.

What is it that was so special to me that finally came back into my life?  It was my music.  I found all of my old play lists that I had buried somewhere deep in my computer and couldn't recover.  Listen, I am not the most technically savvy girl...that's why I went to the Apple store and the Apple guy couldn't get them back for me.  So you can imagine my surprise when I was fooling around on my computer and suddenly there they were. All of the songs that I put together to help me get through tough times, joyful times and just starting over times.  These songs unlocked a part of me that has been kept under lock and key for a very long time.  They represent a new start.  They represent all of my fire, my spirit, my drive, my passion and the sheer determination that is embedded in me for the best life I can possibly live.  And so, it begins. Right here and now.  First with this blog, and next with the book I'm working on.  So, as I go along my journey, I hope all of the special people in my life will go along too.  Here's to 2012!