Part of Me

This week has been a very heart breaking week.  For the first time in several years, I honestly have heart break.  My heart hurts so that it is unbearable.  I have to let someone go that no longer has my best interest at heart.  How many times am I going to do this?  Make the same mistake?  I guess I should look at it as a blessing. Now I know true intentions of this person and in a way it is freeing and awakening.  It's not a fairy tale.  It's reality.  They love themselves more than they love me.  It's jarring to have to come to terms with the fact that words are just words unless action is followed by them.  So, with that, my heart sinks.  I feel like such a failure in love.  I have loved so deeply and so intensely, but have those men loved me back in the same way?  If so, would I be with one of them today?  Who knows but as Katy Perry states in her song "this is the part of me that you'll never, ever take away from me".  I love this about myself but it is also a double edged sword.  I wish at times, this part of me would just be quiet.  Ha...then I would be like all the other miserable people in relationships that have passed their expiration date.  So today, I sit with heartache.  However I know that in time, my heart will heal and I will move on.  I will be stronger and wiser.  I will never betray myself ever again to appease someone else.  I will never do that to myself ever again. For that is my heart break.  Knowing I did something that went against ever fiber in my soul.  So, now it's time for re-birth.  Renewal of promises to myself, God, the universe that I will be true to myself.  No matter how bad it hurts me at the time or another person, I will be true.  This is the part of me that no one will ever take away from me.  Going through heartbreak is indeed like loosing a loved one.  The five stages of grief has no bounds when one is grieving a loss of a person, a pet, something dear to them, a friend, a lover, or part of yourself.  This week I'm on the second stage I think, the sadness and crying.  I need for the anger stage to kick in to kick me in the butt so that I can move forward with daily activities.  Then the rest will come.  But I have to say that this experience has revealed to me some things that are amazing about myself.  One, I do have the ability to put my feelings aside to make someone else happy.  Second, I know that I will only be doing this for a select few going forward.  Third, it has put all of my past relationships in perspective and I have graduated over them.  Fourth, it has shown me what kind of relationship I want in my life and especially the kind I do not want.  So I feel that I am much closer to getting who I am meant to be with.  And for that and that alone, it was worth it.  Sometimes you have to face and own the ugly in order to over come it.

Smoke and Mirrors

In today's society it is very easy to get caught up in all of the glam.  Bright and shiny things turns us on.  Let's face it, we all get sucked in to the "newness" of something and the glitz and glam it can bring to our lives. It makes us feel like we our "kings" and "queens" of the world.  I have been caught up in something like this for a while, sorry to say.  It was a great ride at times but there is always something in the back of your mind that is telling you.."This is surface and superficial.  This is not real...and neither are you.  You are not being your true self but a version of that."  I used to call these things "distractions" that keep us from being and living our truth.  Now I call them "smoke and mirrors", or if you will, lies.  They are the lies that we allow other people to tell us to continue the cycle.  They are the lies we tell ourselves so that we can keep having "fun" and not think or deal with reality.  And the reality is that all of the bright and shiny, glitz and glam, smoke and mirrors, are not real.  They are lies.  In my everyday 8 to 5 job I pride myself at detecting the "smoke and mirrors" that are fed to me.  I do this very well and it has made me very successful.  I just do not let clients feed me a line of crap.  I question and examine what they are saying until we get to the heart of the matter, until they can no longer put forth the "front" and all we are left with is the truth.  The truth is what you can work with.  The truth is what you can accept and move forward with a solution if need be.  You cannot work with a lie.  You cannot work with someone who refuses to be honest with you or themselves.  So, therefore, you cut your losses until perhaps one day you can get to the truth and move forward.   In my personal life I have had to dispel a lot of lies, "smoke and mirrors".  I have had to really take an inventory of the people in my life and decide whether or not they are true to me or not.  Sometimes this has been easy and sometimes this had been really hard.  Why?  Why is it hard to clear out the smoke and mirrors?  Because at times, I didn't want to believe what is starring back at me.  I didn't want to believe that it is a lie.  If I was believing a lie, and ignoring the truth, then what does that say about me? Hard to face the ugly truth sometimes especially if you are just as guilty as the other parties.  I am a work in progress.  I faced the ugly truth and it has set me free.  In so many ways.  There is no guilt, no shame, no worry or stress, only peace and freedom.  The truth has set me free, and I am running with it.  There is no need to return to the lie, because the lie has unfolded.  The gig is up and now new life begins.  So let it begin.