Part of Me

This week has been a very heart breaking week.  For the first time in several years, I honestly have heart break.  My heart hurts so that it is unbearable.  I have to let someone go that no longer has my best interest at heart.  How many times am I going to do this?  Make the same mistake?  I guess I should look at it as a blessing. Now I know true intentions of this person and in a way it is freeing and awakening.  It's not a fairy tale.  It's reality.  They love themselves more than they love me.  It's jarring to have to come to terms with the fact that words are just words unless action is followed by them.  So, with that, my heart sinks.  I feel like such a failure in love.  I have loved so deeply and so intensely, but have those men loved me back in the same way?  If so, would I be with one of them today?  Who knows but as Katy Perry states in her song "this is the part of me that you'll never, ever take away from me".  I love this about myself but it is also a double edged sword.  I wish at times, this part of me would just be quiet.  Ha...then I would be like all the other miserable people in relationships that have passed their expiration date.  So today, I sit with heartache.  However I know that in time, my heart will heal and I will move on.  I will be stronger and wiser.  I will never betray myself ever again to appease someone else.  I will never do that to myself ever again. For that is my heart break.  Knowing I did something that went against ever fiber in my soul.  So, now it's time for re-birth.  Renewal of promises to myself, God, the universe that I will be true to myself.  No matter how bad it hurts me at the time or another person, I will be true.  This is the part of me that no one will ever take away from me.  Going through heartbreak is indeed like loosing a loved one.  The five stages of grief has no bounds when one is grieving a loss of a person, a pet, something dear to them, a friend, a lover, or part of yourself.  This week I'm on the second stage I think, the sadness and crying.  I need for the anger stage to kick in to kick me in the butt so that I can move forward with daily activities.  Then the rest will come.  But I have to say that this experience has revealed to me some things that are amazing about myself.  One, I do have the ability to put my feelings aside to make someone else happy.  Second, I know that I will only be doing this for a select few going forward.  Third, it has put all of my past relationships in perspective and I have graduated over them.  Fourth, it has shown me what kind of relationship I want in my life and especially the kind I do not want.  So I feel that I am much closer to getting who I am meant to be with.  And for that and that alone, it was worth it.  Sometimes you have to face and own the ugly in order to over come it.