Hot Shower

There's really nothing like a hot shower.  I think that a hot shower would do on a cold, winter's day, or after a long hard workout, or on a crisp spring morning.  It just has a way of washing everything away inside and out.  To me I always feel like I have to take a long hot shower at night to wash the day away, and all that that applies.  This week has been an emotional roller coaster to say the least.  Valentine's day is approaching and I don't have a Valentine.  That's the heart of my matter this week.  But other than that, which I will dive into in a moment, this week's events have really made me think about some people in my life.  When is it time to say goodbye, stop sharing, stop...letting them in?  When is it time to dig in and hang in there for the sake of the relationship?  What if it's not done?  What if it's not over yet?  How do we know when to walk away?  How do we know when to protect ourselves, and stop protecting the dysfunction that hurts us?  What is it that Pink sings about.."When it's good it's so good till it goes bad.  Then you try to find the you that you once had..."  Yeah...that's about right.  Or maybe think of it this way, you have to say no to someone else in order to say yes to yourself.  I don't have the answers to these questions, but what I do know is from questioning all of the above.  Be true to yourself.  If someone or something makes you change who you are in order for them to love you, perhaps that is not the person you are supposed to be with forever.  Perhaps that's your teacher.  Teaching you to never give up on yourself.  To not change unless you want to change for the better of your soul.  Maybe this person was placed in your life to teach you in some way shape or form, to love yourself and who you really are.  To fight for yourself and the life you want to live.  I have had one of these teachers in my life, and he taught me well. He brought the fighter out in me.  Not physically, but mentally and emotionally.  He made me fight for my freedom, my life, my soul.  I will always remember him for that.

On the flip side, this ex-lover did bring out the fighter in me, so I am hoping that my next love will bring out the lover in me.  I know it's there. It's screaming to come out, like a kid in a candy store.  I just don't know what I have to do to find this love.  It's so hard because, I think that love happens when you least expect it, when you're not even looking for it.  Poof!  It's here!  I'm still waiting on the "poof".  So with Valentine's Day on Tuesday, I find myself fantasizing about settling in with a glass of wine or two, a great movie, and my love.  I don't need a production, just a "normal" night with my love.  This is what I think about.  Will I ever have that person sitting next to me on the couch watching mindless t.v.?  Will I ever have someone to come home to again?  Or sleep next to me in bed and wake up with me in the morning?  I hope so.  With that I challenge all of you who have your love with you to think on these things.  Because when you do, you may realize that everyday is Valentine's Day, just as the song says.

Letting Go

I have a really hard time letting go.  No matter how hard I try, I cannot force myself to let go of things.  There comes a point in time where you have to give up, or let go for your own sanity's sake.  Perhaps I have such a hard time with this notion of letting go because I was always taught to never give up.  Never, ever, ever give up!  So I press on.  I fight.  I dwell.  I stand in the storm, hoping some day, one beautiful, glorious day, the storm will pass and the light will return.  This obviously cannot happen until we "let go" and "let God" or "our Source" take over.  I heard this saying and I cannot seem to get it out of my head.  "Humans make plans, and God laughs."  It's so true though, isn't it?  It doesn't matter how many plans we make, in the end it doesn't really matter because God has his own plans and they are perfect in every way.  This is hard to accept for a control freak like me, but I can tell you that when I have "let go" and just "went with the flow"some of the most amazing things have happened.  Seriously.  Some of the most memorable moments, connections, or experiences have blossomed.  This is my positive re-enforcement to continue to "let go".   I have been told to "let go" by other people who have come into my life, as in yoga teachers, healers and some of my very best friends.  Although I responded with "I know", I really didn't know until I finally did, let go.  I let go and I cried.  I cried because all of the junk I was holding onto, just left.  All of the "plans" that I made, seemed so silly. When I finally let go, and closed my mind to the past and the future, and opened my eyes to the present, I finally found my mountain.  I found me again.  That little voice in my heart that said "Here I am! I've been waiting for you and I've been here the whole time." So, I cried harder.  However, I still have a tendency to "control" and "plan" but I am trying to remember, God's laughing.  And that makes me laugh.  It's a work in progress but I'm going to try everyday to remember to be "flexible" and "go with the flow!"  Today I watched the ducks and the geese swimming in the pond and I thought to myself " That's my goal!".  To swim effortlessly.  To live effortlessly.  To love effortlessly.  In Yoga we chant Om.  We chant it three times.  The first Om is to let go of the past.  The second Om is to let go of the future.  And the third Om is to be or live in the present.  This is what I repeat to myself daily.  Just let go.  This is my last entry in this one journal book that has literally been, impossible to write, live and just exist.  This one was my hardest by far to experience.  I am relieved to be done with it.  So with that I say, goodbye past, hello present and future, well, I'll see ya when I get there.