Dancing in the Dark

For me personally, life has been crazy over the past month.  I have experienced the highest of highs and  the lowest of lows, and back again.  This morning I sit here writing feeling so, dare I say it, happy.  I have no idea why I feel happy but I do know that I have done everything in my power to not allow myself to feel this happiness that has washed over me.  I'm not kidding.  I feel as if I have been through a war, with myself.  I have tried to talk myself out of what I'm feeling time and time again and despite my best efforts, the happiness has won out.  Ha! Through all of my wrestling with myself I found out some key aspects to why would someone, or me, fight feeling happiness.  Why, after all of this time would I stop myself from feeling something that comes natural?  Questions of "Is this wrong? Is this right?  How can I feel this way?  Do I deserve to feel this way after everything that has happened? Will it go away?  Will it stay? What does the future hold?".  Exhausting just reading these questions isn't it?  So what are the answers? Well if you know anything about me, I exercised every possible outcome to find the answers.  This is just the scientist in me.  There is always a solution to any problem/hypothesis. That reminds me in the movie "Clueless" when Cher says to her father who is a high profile attorney "Daddy, have you ever had a problem that you can't argue your way out of?" His response "Tell me the problem and we will figure out a way to argue it."  That's me. However with some of these questions if not all of them, there was no way to find a solution as hard as I tried.  There were lessons to learn with all of these questions.  One, I had to let go of the past.  Now I had thought that I had successfully done this.  I've been to therapy, took classes, written many hours in several journals but I had not really let go of the past until just recently.  God, it feels amazing.  It feels liberating.  I finally feel that I can move forward.  I let go of the guilt that I kept carrying around with me and with that, I let go of everything else.  All the labels, all the hurt, all the expectations, all of it.  Just let it go!  Ironically, all of my daily devotions had been centered around letting go of things that do not serve us and letting go of the past.  With that, transformation happens.  This is the magic time.  This is the time that you actually can actively feel God working in your heart.  The universe and you are in line with the exact plan and you feel it in your bones, your soul.  How could I fight this feeling?  Then there is the blessing.  You can't hold on to things that God has already forgiven you for and then expect to receive his blessing.  He forgave you in order to bless you.  And he always will forgive.  That is his promise to us.  He will forgive, now it's our job to open up, release the guilt and shame that are not of God, and receive the blessing or what he has intended for us in our life.  This is impossible to do if we allow the darkness to keep haunting us.  The past is the past.  Yesterday, last week, last month, the last moment is the past.  We have this time, this moment, this second to make our present and our future.  So with all of those questions that I have wrestled with, the answer is I don't know.  I've stopped worrying about all of those unnecessary things because I do deserve happiness, as we all do.  And feelings are true and real and quite simply, it is what it is so believe it.  So as much as I have wanted to know how all of this will play out, I have released that control.  I literally am dancing in the dark and I wouldn't have it any other way.