When You Don't Know What You Want

So, I have taken a break from writing.  I miss it.  But for me, blogging is still new and it's hard for me to get the emotional connection so I guess this is why I shy away from blogging.  But I do know I have a very few following and for them, this is why I explain why I haven't been blogging.  So over these past few weeks I have been thinking about things in my life that I have really, really, wanted.  Specifically things related to the heart.  I have had some tremendous loves, really amazing loves in my life thus far.  I know that there are some people who have not experienced the kind of love that I have in life and for that I count myself fortunate. When I love, I love with everything I have.  I'm not the kind of person that half-asses anything, especially love.  One would think, "that's great! you've got it figured out!".  Ummm...no!  With all of my passion and intensity, if that is not reciprocated, which in most of these cases, it has not been, I wind up with a broken heart.  I have loved hard but I have also broken my heart into pieces. I remember each heart break too and picking up the pieces to begin all over again.  Someone wise once told me, that these men who have broken my heart, don't really love me, the real me.  They love the idea of me and especially the way I make them feel about themselves.  They become addicted by how I make them feel and then when they get their "fix" they leave me until they need another fix and back they come to take what they need for themselves.  It's hard to admit this but, I have to agree with this.  So I have become a master at looking for red flags and detecting these behaviors and when I do, it's over.  No more friendship, no more love, no more me for them.  This can get volatile at times but I have to remember what they say in the safety announcement before each plane takes off.  "Make sure your oxygen mask if fully on and working properly before you help anyone else with their mask."  This is my life motto now.  Not because I'm selfish and do not want to help, but because I do tend to give too much, and really, like the saying goes, one must save themselves before anyone else can help.  So, I would say, when you do not know what you want, do nothing.  Stop, quiet yourself and listen.  Eventually the answers will come if you trust yourself enough to be still and listen.