The Truth About Love

Have you missed me?  I like to think that I'm writing to dear friends who have missed hearing from me.  I know, it's silly but it is comforting to me.  I have missed you.  I have been traveling for my day job and have had no time to write, and really I haven't been inspired to write, until today.  Where I am in the world the weather is changing.  It's fall.  Fall represents a season of change and I for one can literally feel it in the air.  I feel it in my own life.  I am changing and it is so very good and so very big and I just can't control it, as hard as I have tried.  As I'm writing this I'm watching the fountain spilling over into the pond and as the water moves, steam escapes from it.  It is like it has been contained for so long that when it spills out, there is so much heat and energy that it releases the effects of that energy which is the steam.  It is so beautiful.  It reminds me of how I am feeling today and how I have been feeling lately.  It's difficult to articulate so I will start with a book.  This summer I engaged myself in reading a series of a book that ultimately turned out to be a love story.  As I was reading these books I was reminded of love, and the truth about love.  I can identify that feeling the characters in the book shared because I too have experienced that.  I was much younger than I am now and it was my first experience in love.  I remember how I felt and how different it was than any other love I had ever had in my life up until then or even after the relationship ended.  I became so involved with these books that it literally effected every part of my life.  I even wrote several entries in my blog about the art of a woman "coming alive".  Not only do I stand behind every single one of those entries, but I am so grateful and in awe of the experience.  It helped me to let go and move beyond somethings and people that I had been holding onto that really needed to disappear from my life.  So, as I am reading the books, I am reminded of the truth about love.  I am reminded of what love really is.  I am also reminded that I only felt that way once, perhaps two times in my life. And when I did, it truly was a magical thing.  It was as if all the stars had aligned for that perfect moment of when the two of us met.  The butterflies in your belly every single time when you see each other.  The not wanting to be the first person to hang up the phone or end the conversation.  The ultimate and pure joy of the first kiss, touch, intimacy.  And the intimacy that is created and shared in the most simplest of ways as in a look you give each other across the room, a gentle hand grasp when no one is looking or by a special language that is spoken between the two of you verbal or non-verbal that is only yours and yours alone.  And most of all, your biggest fear in life becoming and remaining of the thought or chance that you could loose each other.  That all of this happiness, completeness and fulfillment could end at any moment.  You become scared to death that you will loose this person forever.  That is love.  That is the truth about love.  I think that in life, we all build up walls.  Either because we have found love and lost it and therefore in order of getting hurt again, we create our own version of what love is.  For some, love is how a couple looks on paper.  For example, great jobs/careers, they both make great money, they love similar things, they have lots in common and if anyone would look at their relationship from afar they would think to themselves "Wow, they are so great together. They've got it all."  But behind closed doors it is very different.  They have to work at their connection.  Their intimacy is off.  Their communication is non existent until they are with others and then the show begins.  How do I know this?  Because I was in a relationship just like this.  I knew something was wrong but chose to ignore it until I realized that the rest of my life could be like this unless I changed something immediately.  I have struggled with that decision but I knew it was the right one.  I knew that I couldn't possibly be the woman that he wanted because he was not the man I wanted.  I couldn't put my finger on it until I read these books and that helped to re-comfirm every decision I've ever made about any relationship since my first one.  My first love, the first man and one of the two I felt that true love for, taught me one essential thing that I didn't remember until lately which was, that is what love is suppose to feel like.  That is what life is all about, love.  That love, is worth fighting for.  That is why when you feel that love, you do come alive.  It's your souls cry being answered.  It is Godly and right.  And that is what I have fought to get back in my life.  I will not settle for "paper love".  And no one should.  So, as one of my business clients told me to "take a chance".  I did, and found everything.  I found the love.

I'm Ready

Tonight, I'm feeling sexy.  Did I just say that?  Yes, I did.  I feel sexy. At this very moment, sitting here in candle light, in one of my favorite night gowns that is black, strappy and soft, listening to Sade. It's funny because miraculously I haven't even begun to get into the wine yet and this feeling is all natural.  Ha!  I had a great workout at the gym and then I came home and ran myself a very hot bubble bath.  OOOHHH.... I have forgotten how great a long hot bath could feel.  Tonight it felt even more special as I emerged myself into the steamy, hot water and just let it caress me.  I needed that.  The bath gave me some nurturing that I have been desperately longing for.  It's been a long time since I have been in a serious, committed relationship.  I have been playing around since my divorce and I have to say, I had never done that before in my life and it was great!  I discovered somethings about myself through all of the playing but also through all of the time that I have been alone.  I learned that I'm pretty awesome to hang out with.  I learned that I am an amazing lover, sexually and intimately.  And to that point, I am a very intimate person.  When you are let into my little world, you are in until you're not.  I am loyal to a fault but I have learned that I must ultimately be the most loyal and true to myself.  I have learned what kind of man I want, and what kind of man I do not want.  I have recently learned this week that my past little boy toys that have always gave me my instant gratification and release, no longer can cool my fire.  I have evolved past them.  My thirst can no longer be quenched with meaningless sex or "relationships".  It's like junk food...it will fill you up for the time being but after wards you just feel like crap, like junk.  So with this little awakening this week, I immediately was frustrated because I needed release!  Then it occurred to me that I no longer want the junk food.  I want the real thing.  I'm ready for love.  I'm ready to feel sexy for my man again.  I'm ready to take the risk, the leap, the jump.  This is why I feel sexy tonight.  I'm not pretending anymore to be sexy, I just know that I am and have embodied it.  It is apart of me now, and I love it.  Every woman should feel this way...the coming aliveness of being a woman.  God, it's intoxicating.  So, as I sit here, alone, in my beautiful home that wishes me "good morning" everyday and "good night" every evening, I feel complete knowing that my heart, body, mind and soul is ready for my love.  I'm ready for the man who dares to take this journey with me.  I had written in one of my blogs that I wonder if people can see when a woman comes back to life and if so can they see me coming alive?  This past weekend and today I got my proof.  After a trying day yesterday and an emotionally tough week, I pulled myself back up to the high that I have been on all summer by putting on one of my new favorite dresses, my hair in tendrils and sprayed myself with my most sexiest fragrance and out into the world I went.  I was walking into an office building and literally had an group of business men stop their discussion and determined traveling to hold open the door for me, greet me and then when all of the cordials had been exchanged, one of them said, "God you're beautiful.  Absolutely exquisite.  It's so nice to see a woman take care of herself."  Of course I gleamed up at him and rewarded him with the biggest smile I could manage without looking goofy and told him thank you.  And I thought to myself, yes, this is exactly what being a woman should feel like.  For another proof, this past weekend at my dad's house, my stepmother and father were gloating all over me saying how great I looked.  That I looked happy.  And then my stepmother said something to me that I will treasure always.  She said, " you know your ex-husband, and all those other boys that you dated are really going to look back at their life with you, if they haven't already, and really regret loosing you.  You are an amazing woman.  They could have had an incredible life with you and an incredible love if they only would have grown up and not have been so afraid."  I couldn't agree with her more.  They say that we attract what we put out.  So for me, here's to growing up and not playing anymore games.  Here's to letting go of fear and embracing what life throws me.  Here's to keeping this feeling alive and thriving and sharing it with everyone I come in contact because this is life, real love and life.  No faking it, living it.  And that is why I'm ready.  And that is very, very, sexy.

It Will Rain

I have to start this entry out by saying how wonderful it is in my home right now.  The rain is falling, and has been off and on all weekend. The house is dimly lit with the hazy light coming in from the windows and the candles I have burning.  The smell of lavender and coffee permeate the rooms and besides from Adele crooning in the background all I can hear is the rain lightly touching the windows with kisses.  It is scrumptious this morning.  I have been on a soul searching adventure this summer and most of all that I have discovered has been amazing.  I'm sad to see the summer come to an end, but can't help to be excited for what lies ahead.  I have a love/hate relationship with fall.  I love the season and all of the colors and activities that occur but I do have some painful memories as well.  I plan to keep busy to make new memories.  Yesterday I went to church which is a pretty regular activity for me and there are people there that I have known since I was a child.  There is one person in particular that drives me crazy.  There I said it.  This person asks me every single time that they seem me, " So, what's new?  What's going on with you?".  Now, this is usually what people will ask to start a conversation and I get that, but it's the way they ask it, the tone in their voice that sets me off.  It's almost like they are searching for the exact answer that they want to hear to make their own life better.  It's very annoying and also pressuring at the same time.  Usually I try my hardest to be as polite as possible and answer with very vague answers because truly I do not have anything so new and exciting to share.  But yesterday I got very agitated when asked these routine questions from this person and I couldn't help but to say in an exasperated tone " Nothing is new.  I'm pretty boring.  I have nothing going on to write home about.  I'm pretty boring right now!"  I was hoping that by my tone and my words that this person would get the hint that I don't want to talk about my life or myself with them!  As in, "leave me the hell alone!" Their response was definitely unexpected.  Their response was actually, dare I say, brilliant.  They said to me after the scolding answer I gave them this, " Well, sometimes that's good.  Usually when you feel like your life is boring or routine, something big is coming your way.  This "boring" time is preparing you for what lies ahead, something really big is about to happen to you."  I stood there hushed and amazed at what they just said.  How did they know exactly what I had been thinking or feeling for the past month or so?  Are they mind readers?  Because it is true.  I do feel that something really big is about to happen to me and I don't exactly know what it is but I couldn't be more excited or anxious about it.  My instinct, because of past experiences, has been to build up walls or a dam if you will to keep from having too much happiness shower me.  Why do I do this?  Because of fear or losing what I've always wanted and having it slip through my fingers, once again.  So, I have been working on this in yoga, my mediation, reiki, anything to keep the flow, flowing.  I practice this through the element of water and for the past two weekends, it has rained.  At first I was upset that the last two weekends of summer, the last two weekends to enjoy the sun,  it has rained.  But in hindsight and today, I embrace the rain.  I embrace the water. I embrace the flow.  Because something big is really about to happen and there is nothing for me to do except let it happen.  It will rain, and I must accept it.  It will rain and it will nurture and cultivate, it will bring new life.  It will rain and all will be healthy and happy.  It will rain and I will be complete.