I'm Ready

Tonight, I'm feeling sexy.  Did I just say that?  Yes, I did.  I feel sexy. At this very moment, sitting here in candle light, in one of my favorite night gowns that is black, strappy and soft, listening to Sade. It's funny because miraculously I haven't even begun to get into the wine yet and this feeling is all natural.  Ha!  I had a great workout at the gym and then I came home and ran myself a very hot bubble bath.  OOOHHH.... I have forgotten how great a long hot bath could feel.  Tonight it felt even more special as I emerged myself into the steamy, hot water and just let it caress me.  I needed that.  The bath gave me some nurturing that I have been desperately longing for.  It's been a long time since I have been in a serious, committed relationship.  I have been playing around since my divorce and I have to say, I had never done that before in my life and it was great!  I discovered somethings about myself through all of the playing but also through all of the time that I have been alone.  I learned that I'm pretty awesome to hang out with.  I learned that I am an amazing lover, sexually and intimately.  And to that point, I am a very intimate person.  When you are let into my little world, you are in until you're not.  I am loyal to a fault but I have learned that I must ultimately be the most loyal and true to myself.  I have learned what kind of man I want, and what kind of man I do not want.  I have recently learned this week that my past little boy toys that have always gave me my instant gratification and release, no longer can cool my fire.  I have evolved past them.  My thirst can no longer be quenched with meaningless sex or "relationships".  It's like junk food...it will fill you up for the time being but after wards you just feel like crap, like junk.  So with this little awakening this week, I immediately was frustrated because I needed release!  Then it occurred to me that I no longer want the junk food.  I want the real thing.  I'm ready for love.  I'm ready to feel sexy for my man again.  I'm ready to take the risk, the leap, the jump.  This is why I feel sexy tonight.  I'm not pretending anymore to be sexy, I just know that I am and have embodied it.  It is apart of me now, and I love it.  Every woman should feel this way...the coming aliveness of being a woman.  God, it's intoxicating.  So, as I sit here, alone, in my beautiful home that wishes me "good morning" everyday and "good night" every evening, I feel complete knowing that my heart, body, mind and soul is ready for my love.  I'm ready for the man who dares to take this journey with me.  I had written in one of my blogs that I wonder if people can see when a woman comes back to life and if so can they see me coming alive?  This past weekend and today I got my proof.  After a trying day yesterday and an emotionally tough week, I pulled myself back up to the high that I have been on all summer by putting on one of my new favorite dresses, my hair in tendrils and sprayed myself with my most sexiest fragrance and out into the world I went.  I was walking into an office building and literally had an group of business men stop their discussion and determined traveling to hold open the door for me, greet me and then when all of the cordials had been exchanged, one of them said, "God you're beautiful.  Absolutely exquisite.  It's so nice to see a woman take care of herself."  Of course I gleamed up at him and rewarded him with the biggest smile I could manage without looking goofy and told him thank you.  And I thought to myself, yes, this is exactly what being a woman should feel like.  For another proof, this past weekend at my dad's house, my stepmother and father were gloating all over me saying how great I looked.  That I looked happy.  And then my stepmother said something to me that I will treasure always.  She said, " you know your ex-husband, and all those other boys that you dated are really going to look back at their life with you, if they haven't already, and really regret loosing you.  You are an amazing woman.  They could have had an incredible life with you and an incredible love if they only would have grown up and not have been so afraid."  I couldn't agree with her more.  They say that we attract what we put out.  So for me, here's to growing up and not playing anymore games.  Here's to letting go of fear and embracing what life throws me.  Here's to keeping this feeling alive and thriving and sharing it with everyone I come in contact because this is life, real love and life.  No faking it, living it.  And that is why I'm ready.  And that is very, very, sexy.