Commitment Phoebic

This is one of my favorite times to write...at night...when the house is quiet. The music is playing, candles are lit, glass of wine and a beautiful bouquet of yellow roses, courtesy of me of course, is sitting before me.  They make me so happy every time I look at them.  I would highly recommend that you buy yourself some flowers sometime if you never have.  I love flowers and I have all kinds of favorites, but roses are classic and timeless, so I love them.  Now that I have set the mood for us, ha ha, let's get down to business.  I have realized something about myself that I'm sure will cost more hours and thousands of dollars in therapy.  I think that I have known for a while but refused to admit it, but I have to or else I will forever be alone.  This week, I was faced with a very big decision.  I mean, if all works out, it's going to be amazing.  But it could go sour, real fast and I know that.  So I had to decide whether to commit to this endeavor or not.  I literally procrastinated until the very last minute possible to make the decision of what I wanted to do.  What I realized and actually had the courage to admit about myself is...I'm a commitment phoebe.  Seriously...I'm afraid of commitment.  Isn't this supposed to be a issue for mostly males?  Of course...I would have it.  My therapist is going to love this on Monday.  I can't or am afraid to commit, personally that is.  In business, I'm in it.  I'm in it to win it and there is no looking back.  I'm committed 100 percent.  But in my personal life...it scares me to death.  Perhaps this is the stumbling block for me to why I always fall in love with the WRONG MEN!!!!  ALWAYS!!!  Is it because deep down in my heart I know I will never have them?  I will never have to commit to them?  Is that why?  Or is it because, I am very loyal.  I am loyal to a fault.  I'm that person that when the Titanic was sinking, I wouldn't leave.  I was committed and loyal to the ship and when it sank...so did I.  This could be a metaphor to some of the most intense, amazing, and tragic relationships of my life.  It certainly is true of my marriage.  I sank along with my marriage.  I had to...to rise to the top again.  But that is neither here nor there, regardless, I am commitment shy.  I always have been.  I think it began after one of my first serious relationships with a man.  I'm scared to death that when I do commit by giving all of me, body, soul and heart, it will be discarded, like the other men discarded my feelings for what they wanted, needed, and frankly loved...themselves.  So I can't commit...not yet.  Not until I know without a shadow of a doubt that when I do commit myself again to another man, he will also commit himself to me, fully, not part time...full time.  There are so many times that other people will use you to get what they need for the moment, the night, the week, the month and then leave you until they need another "fix".  I have been that person for so many others that I have to pull away in order to save myself.  Sometimes you have to say no to others in order to say yes to yourself.  So this doesn't help my commitment issue.  But it does help my "love thyself" issue.

Connections

In today's world, life that is, it is very rare to find that human connection that everyone is looking for.  I mean let's be honest...every single person is looking for that connection with another person that will answer all of the unanswered questions, assumptions or imaginations that we have in our minds.  However when we do find it, it is often by surprise and very, very, intense.  And the intensity grows stronger and stronger until their is point, or plateau where something gives.  Something bad, or something good...it just gives.  And at that point, it will either make the relationship stronger or it will burn the flame out.  This doesn't have to be a romantic connection.  I've experienced this in friendships as well.  Think about the friends who have come and gone in your life.  It starts out where there is such interest, intensity and intrigue.  Then once we find out all we need to know about that person, either through a crazy night out on the town, through another friend, or in a disagreement with them, it simply ends.  It is never the same.  The flame got snuffed out.  And there are times when we see them again and regale old times.  However after fifteen minutes, if that, we realize that is all we had with them, fifteen minutes worth of friendship.  I'm not trying to sound insensitive, but really that is all that it is.  I believe that people enter and exit your life when needed.  Sometimes we are not ready for things to be over, and we fight it, or delay it as long as possible.  But the inevitable is coming, and that we are certain of every single day.  Then there are those that no matter where we go, no matter what we do, who we marry, who we unmarry, they are there, in our soul.  Our soul mates.  I have been very fortunate to have a couple of those in my life.  It doesn't matter how much time has past, we can always pick up right where we left off.  Those relationships are priceless.  I feel that there are times when I have lost myself...in some way.  Then I connect with one of my soul mates, either directly or indirectly and what was lost is suddenly found again.  That is what I want for my life.  That is what I want in my marriage. I will not settle until I have it...no one should.  Because, no matter what, even if you cannot face the truth as it is staring you down in the mirror, your soul companion will reveal it to you just in their presence.  Why? How?  This is one vital way that our soul communicates to us, reflecting our soul's counterpoint, revealing our truth, revealing us in them.  And that connection can never be broken, even as much as we would like it to be sometimes, it never goes away. The lost, gets found, it always, always does.

Karma

Today I was reading an article about Karma.  As a yogi...I absolutely believe in Karma.  What ever thought, action, words, anything you put out...comes back in one way or another.  Today I had repairman come to my house for some appliance repair.  This was the second appointment. The first is when the company sent another repairman out to diagnose the problem, order the part and set up the next service visit.  The first repairman that came to my house a couple weeks ago, misdiagnosed the problem.  Well, he got some of it right but not the entire problem.  There were two things malfunctioning and he only got the one, the most evident.  So when the repairman today said the he had missed something and that my appliance would need another part and an additional service appointment, I was ironically o.k. with that.  Any other time, I probably would have been annoyed and irritated that more of my time was going to have to be inconvenienced.  But...today...it was o.k.  And here's why.  The original service man was young, like myself, new in his position, and extremely kind.  As I was talking to him and looked him over from head to toe, he was attractive as well...guess I didn't mention that, but he reminded me of someone I used to know.  I knew him from the get go.  He didn't have to tell me his name, I already knew in my heart and soul who he was.  He was the spitting image of my ex-husband.  From his hair, to his eyes, to his hands, his smile, his mannerisms, to the way he spoke, to what cologne he was wearing.  He was him.  And if affected me.  I cried that day because I was reminded of how much I had loved him and how I would have given anything and everything for our marriage to work.  We were the couple that everyone wanted to be on paper and in the pictures.  In real life, not so much.  So today when I opened the door and he wasn't there, there were two other men there to repair my appliance, I was some what relieved.  The older more experienced repairman apologized over and over again for the inconvenience of not being able to fix the complete problem today and that the other repairman, my ex-husband look-a-like, was new and needed more training or else he would have known to look for the other problem, the root of the cause for the dysfunction.  Wow...that really put things in perspective for me.  He didn't know any better.  He was young, inexperienced and needed more training.  So with that, the older, wiser, and more experienced repairman took the fall and the responsibility of picking up the pieces and repairing what was broken a long time ago.  I could have been very upset and just complained to high heaven about his inabilities.  Instead I said, "You know...it's o.k.  He's learning and so am I in areas.  He was so nice and treated me well so I would ask that he doesn't get into any trouble for his mistake.  It happens and I'm o.k. with it."  Let me tell you, that took a lot of therapy hours to say that!  Because who I was really meaning and saying that to was my ex-husband and myself.  I forgave him just like I forgave the inexperienced repairman.  Because here's the thing...I needed work when I entered into my marriage, and so did my ex.  But it was not his job or mine to fix each other completely.  We both karmically, had to go through this together to learn the lesson that you have to deal with yourself and your issues before you can offer up your whole self to anyone else.  We were young, inexperienced, and didn't know any better.  Who knew that karma lessons could play out in the simplicity of home repairs...Love it.

Bits and Pieces

So...I have difficulty with my writing lately.  I do not know why....well that's not true, I know why.  I have been so scattered lately.  I feel that I may need a new plan or a new direction for my life.  I have been dibble dabbling in some ideas.  One is buying a vacation home, which I love this idea because I could get away and just be and write.  Another is beginning an MBA program.  I'm smiling because the Fray just came on Pandora "I'll look after you".  Love it.  Anyways, I also have been getting that motherly itch.  I held a baby last Friday for the first time in several months, a 5 week old boy, and I almost started crying.  How I long to be a mother.  So like I said, I'm scattered brained.  I find that when this happens, a big, big change usually follows. Ironically, I finally feel settled here.  It has taken almost two years but I finally feel that sense of home.  I have a great routine back in my life, which is what I thrive on.  I like knowing what's happening each day and finally I have some sort of normalcy. But still, my thoughts are scattered.  I have also had trouble completing the writing for my book.  I know that I am strong enough to look back, but do I want to?  And my blog has suffered too...as you have noticed.  So with all of that being said...here's the solution. I honestly feel that when there is confusion, difficulty, cloudy thoughts, it's best to get back to the basics.  Start from the beginning and work you way through it.  For example, for me, it's getting back into my journal.  It is a new day and I have to write about it.  I have to capture these feelings, thoughts, behaviors that's driving me right now.  It gets me focused, grounded. I need that right now, but I know as soon as I say this...change is gonna come.  It's in the air.