Commitment Phoebic

This is one of my favorite times to write...at night...when the house is quiet. The music is playing, candles are lit, glass of wine and a beautiful bouquet of yellow roses, courtesy of me of course, is sitting before me.  They make me so happy every time I look at them.  I would highly recommend that you buy yourself some flowers sometime if you never have.  I love flowers and I have all kinds of favorites, but roses are classic and timeless, so I love them.  Now that I have set the mood for us, ha ha, let's get down to business.  I have realized something about myself that I'm sure will cost more hours and thousands of dollars in therapy.  I think that I have known for a while but refused to admit it, but I have to or else I will forever be alone.  This week, I was faced with a very big decision.  I mean, if all works out, it's going to be amazing.  But it could go sour, real fast and I know that.  So I had to decide whether to commit to this endeavor or not.  I literally procrastinated until the very last minute possible to make the decision of what I wanted to do.  What I realized and actually had the courage to admit about myself is...I'm a commitment phoebe.  Seriously...I'm afraid of commitment.  Isn't this supposed to be a issue for mostly males?  Of course...I would have it.  My therapist is going to love this on Monday.  I can't or am afraid to commit, personally that is.  In business, I'm in it.  I'm in it to win it and there is no looking back.  I'm committed 100 percent.  But in my personal life...it scares me to death.  Perhaps this is the stumbling block for me to why I always fall in love with the WRONG MEN!!!!  ALWAYS!!!  Is it because deep down in my heart I know I will never have them?  I will never have to commit to them?  Is that why?  Or is it because, I am very loyal.  I am loyal to a fault.  I'm that person that when the Titanic was sinking, I wouldn't leave.  I was committed and loyal to the ship and when it sank...so did I.  This could be a metaphor to some of the most intense, amazing, and tragic relationships of my life.  It certainly is true of my marriage.  I sank along with my marriage.  I had to...to rise to the top again.  But that is neither here nor there, regardless, I am commitment shy.  I always have been.  I think it began after one of my first serious relationships with a man.  I'm scared to death that when I do commit by giving all of me, body, soul and heart, it will be discarded, like the other men discarded my feelings for what they wanted, needed, and frankly loved...themselves.  So I can't commit...not yet.  Not until I know without a shadow of a doubt that when I do commit myself again to another man, he will also commit himself to me, fully, not part time...full time.  There are so many times that other people will use you to get what they need for the moment, the night, the week, the month and then leave you until they need another "fix".  I have been that person for so many others that I have to pull away in order to save myself.  Sometimes you have to say no to others in order to say yes to yourself.  So this doesn't help my commitment issue.  But it does help my "love thyself" issue.