Mistakes

Some philosophers have said that there are no such things as "mistakes".  Things that happen, are meant to happen, and things that are not meant to happen, simply do not.  I wrestle with this idea.  I have made a lot of mistakes in my own opinion.  But I do have to say that each mistake has lead me to different place in my life that I never thought possible.  Some good and some bad.  Someone once told me that the good has to out weigh the bad.  The man that I fell in love with and stayed in love with the idea of loving him told me this.  Did our bad out weigh our good?  Is this why we didn't make it?  Or was it because of choices, mistakes made by both of us?  I have no idea.  But tonight I face a mistake that I have wrestled with since 2010.  Depending on my mood, my "status", my little world, my decision on this topic wavers.  Did I choose to take a step back or a step forward?  And where has it gotten me?  Professionally, it has gotten me far, for now.  But personally, I still long for my love. And that is my problem.  I took a chance in 2010 that changed my destiny forever.  I left yet another man that I knew loved me, or at least the idea of me to find something else or someone else.  And here I sit. Still waiting.  I do know this, I would rather be waiting here alone, feeling lonely and lost, than sitting here with the wrong person feeling the exact same way.  Trust me. I've been there and it is miserable and no way to live.  How can I have the ability to see other people in my life so clearly and for some reason I cannot see my way out of this.  The only thing I know to do that would be successful is to flee.  To leave.  Like I did before.  When I knew that he wouldn't commit to me, I left.  When I had lost all hope of there ever being more, I left.  I just left.  That was how I saved what was left of me and my heart.  Here I am again.  Faced with the same dilemma.  Only this time it's not so easy.  How can we fall in love so easily when we know that there is the biggest chance in the world that it's not gonna work.  There have been people here who have called me the "ice queen".  People have said, "She is the job and the job is her.  She is as hard as a rock.  No one can penetrate that core." That couldn't be farther from the truth.  I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I have a hopeful heart and a longing soul.  When I fall, I fall hard and fast.  I am loyal and loving.  And all I want in return, is that.  Love, loyalty, trust, commitment.  So tonight I am missing the days when I care freely loved this man, or the idea of him and it was o.k. to do so.  I miss the days when love was easy and fun.  I miss the days where I wasn't known as the "ice queen".  So my little prayer that I will send up to the heavens tonight is this...Please God give me peace.  Please God do not let this be another set back or mistake.  Please God help me to make sense of all of this.  And please God....if you are feeling gracious...answer my unspoken prayer.  Amen.