When You Don't Know What You Want

So, I have taken a break from writing.  I miss it.  But for me, blogging is still new and it's hard for me to get the emotional connection so I guess this is why I shy away from blogging.  But I do know I have a very few following and for them, this is why I explain why I haven't been blogging.  So over these past few weeks I have been thinking about things in my life that I have really, really, wanted.  Specifically things related to the heart.  I have had some tremendous loves, really amazing loves in my life thus far.  I know that there are some people who have not experienced the kind of love that I have in life and for that I count myself fortunate. When I love, I love with everything I have.  I'm not the kind of person that half-asses anything, especially love.  One would think, "that's great! you've got it figured out!".  Ummm...no!  With all of my passion and intensity, if that is not reciprocated, which in most of these cases, it has not been, I wind up with a broken heart.  I have loved hard but I have also broken my heart into pieces. I remember each heart break too and picking up the pieces to begin all over again.  Someone wise once told me, that these men who have broken my heart, don't really love me, the real me.  They love the idea of me and especially the way I make them feel about themselves.  They become addicted by how I make them feel and then when they get their "fix" they leave me until they need another fix and back they come to take what they need for themselves.  It's hard to admit this but, I have to agree with this.  So I have become a master at looking for red flags and detecting these behaviors and when I do, it's over.  No more friendship, no more love, no more me for them.  This can get volatile at times but I have to remember what they say in the safety announcement before each plane takes off.  "Make sure your oxygen mask if fully on and working properly before you help anyone else with their mask."  This is my life motto now.  Not because I'm selfish and do not want to help, but because I do tend to give too much, and really, like the saying goes, one must save themselves before anyone else can help.  So, I would say, when you do not know what you want, do nothing.  Stop, quiet yourself and listen.  Eventually the answers will come if you trust yourself enough to be still and listen.

Responding....

It's a rainy Saturday morning and I am o.k. with that today.  There is something so calming to waking up on Saturday listening to the rain fall and play connect the dots on the windows.  This is my favorite time to write.  I often get asked what it is that I write about, or what is my blog about.  The only way I can respond is simply..."It's about me."  I've been having a tough time lately with some areas of my life that I just can't figure out.  One is the "love" department...don't even get me started with that...that is whole other book...that I am writing, slowly.  The other, surprisingly enough is my work.  I've loved my job for so long that it feels strange to not love it right now.  I work in corporate America.  The expectation is everything needs to arrive like Cinderella's glass slipper on a silk covered pillow...but cheap! Americans like their gadgets, their brands, their image, but it has to be cheap!!! UGH...so with my work, one thing you don't want it is cheap.  You do get what you pay for which is not always safe.  So...I'm burned out.  But all of this rushing around has really made me stop ironically and think about what I'm doing.  I had a " ah-ha!" moment this week that I responded to.  Instinctively just responded and it scared me.  Don't get me wrong it felt great taking my power and using it to stand up for myself and my value, but then after I did, I realized that I laid the gauntlet down.  But I stand behind my response because all in all, I realized that I wasn't being valued for the work, the time or the energy that I put forth and that bothered me.  In any relationship, professional, personal or romantic, one has to feel valued.  If  you don't then why are you there?  If you constantly feel that whatever you do, say, give, contribute is never going to be good enough, then why do you stay?  What makes us devalue our self worth in order to give someone else more than what they have earned from us?  Is it that we feel guilty perhaps that we should be doing more?  Why? Why is this?  I think that all of us are guilty of feeling like this on some level but the truth of the matter is, we shouldn't.  The root of our problem is essentially at our root, at our core.  Animals respond to each other through signals, scents, behaviors and instinct.  This is also in our nature...it's called our gut reaction or response.  We start to respond instinctively and then the human side, the cultured side, the tamed side tells us.."NO!", when sometimes, we need to do exactly what our gut, our core, our animalistic natural instinctive side tells us to do.  Like I said, sometimes, not all the time.  We all know some people who this nature is very strong and they come across not always positive or with the best intentions.  So, I guess it's balance.  I guess it's getting to know your Mooladhara and Manipura, creating balancing and using those instincts when you need to. It's being you, your true self, and not apologizing for it.

Past Lives

I think that a lot of people do not believe in past lives, or they do and they will never admit it.  Ha.  I do believe in them.  Why?  Because I look at my life and how many changes or "lives" I've had thus far.  So it furthers my belief in past lives.  I have had many changes in my life which I call my "past lives".  It's been quiet the journey but I'm glad I have experienced most of it.  Here's the thing...as I was watching one of my favorite episodes of "Sex and the City", I vividly remember going through the very same scenario over and over and over again.  Like when Carrie was leaving NY and moving to Paris and suddenly out of no where, he finally shows up.  Big was there and trying so hard to tell her that he finally realized he loved her and that she was the ONE.  After all of the heartache, tears, passion, sex, intimacy and love, Big finally got it.  Of course this was after Carrie had decided that for her and her heart that time was over and it was time to move on... to Paris.  Isn't this how it always is? Umm... no, it's not.  I would give anything for my Big to realize that we belong together and fight for me to come back to him.  Does he ever think about me?  Does he ever wish he will run into me?  Probably not...but oh how I think about him and our relationship and how close we were to having it all.  Adel's song "Rolling in the Deep" says it all.."We could've had it all", but we didn't and now we won't.  We are just breakable girls and boys.  Will we ever learn through our "past lives" the lessons we need to be happy, whole, and at peace?  Will we?  I pray to God that we do...I pray that we do.  Well as the fairy tale goes, the happy ending does come, one day.  Big followed Carrie all the way to Paris to tell her exactly.."Carrie...you're the One! I love you."  And...she loved him back and happily ever after came for her.  She finally got her happy ending...Here's hoping we all get our happy ending!

Hot Shower

There's really nothing like a hot shower.  I think that a hot shower would do on a cold, winter's day, or after a long hard workout, or on a crisp spring morning.  It just has a way of washing everything away inside and out.  To me I always feel like I have to take a long hot shower at night to wash the day away, and all that that applies.  This week has been an emotional roller coaster to say the least.  Valentine's day is approaching and I don't have a Valentine.  That's the heart of my matter this week.  But other than that, which I will dive into in a moment, this week's events have really made me think about some people in my life.  When is it time to say goodbye, stop sharing, stop...letting them in?  When is it time to dig in and hang in there for the sake of the relationship?  What if it's not done?  What if it's not over yet?  How do we know when to walk away?  How do we know when to protect ourselves, and stop protecting the dysfunction that hurts us?  What is it that Pink sings about.."When it's good it's so good till it goes bad.  Then you try to find the you that you once had..."  Yeah...that's about right.  Or maybe think of it this way, you have to say no to someone else in order to say yes to yourself.  I don't have the answers to these questions, but what I do know is from questioning all of the above.  Be true to yourself.  If someone or something makes you change who you are in order for them to love you, perhaps that is not the person you are supposed to be with forever.  Perhaps that's your teacher.  Teaching you to never give up on yourself.  To not change unless you want to change for the better of your soul.  Maybe this person was placed in your life to teach you in some way shape or form, to love yourself and who you really are.  To fight for yourself and the life you want to live.  I have had one of these teachers in my life, and he taught me well. He brought the fighter out in me.  Not physically, but mentally and emotionally.  He made me fight for my freedom, my life, my soul.  I will always remember him for that.

On the flip side, this ex-lover did bring out the fighter in me, so I am hoping that my next love will bring out the lover in me.  I know it's there. It's screaming to come out, like a kid in a candy store.  I just don't know what I have to do to find this love.  It's so hard because, I think that love happens when you least expect it, when you're not even looking for it.  Poof!  It's here!  I'm still waiting on the "poof".  So with Valentine's Day on Tuesday, I find myself fantasizing about settling in with a glass of wine or two, a great movie, and my love.  I don't need a production, just a "normal" night with my love.  This is what I think about.  Will I ever have that person sitting next to me on the couch watching mindless t.v.?  Will I ever have someone to come home to again?  Or sleep next to me in bed and wake up with me in the morning?  I hope so.  With that I challenge all of you who have your love with you to think on these things.  Because when you do, you may realize that everyday is Valentine's Day, just as the song says.

Letting Go

I have a really hard time letting go.  No matter how hard I try, I cannot force myself to let go of things.  There comes a point in time where you have to give up, or let go for your own sanity's sake.  Perhaps I have such a hard time with this notion of letting go because I was always taught to never give up.  Never, ever, ever give up!  So I press on.  I fight.  I dwell.  I stand in the storm, hoping some day, one beautiful, glorious day, the storm will pass and the light will return.  This obviously cannot happen until we "let go" and "let God" or "our Source" take over.  I heard this saying and I cannot seem to get it out of my head.  "Humans make plans, and God laughs."  It's so true though, isn't it?  It doesn't matter how many plans we make, in the end it doesn't really matter because God has his own plans and they are perfect in every way.  This is hard to accept for a control freak like me, but I can tell you that when I have "let go" and just "went with the flow"some of the most amazing things have happened.  Seriously.  Some of the most memorable moments, connections, or experiences have blossomed.  This is my positive re-enforcement to continue to "let go".   I have been told to "let go" by other people who have come into my life, as in yoga teachers, healers and some of my very best friends.  Although I responded with "I know", I really didn't know until I finally did, let go.  I let go and I cried.  I cried because all of the junk I was holding onto, just left.  All of the "plans" that I made, seemed so silly. When I finally let go, and closed my mind to the past and the future, and opened my eyes to the present, I finally found my mountain.  I found me again.  That little voice in my heart that said "Here I am! I've been waiting for you and I've been here the whole time." So, I cried harder.  However, I still have a tendency to "control" and "plan" but I am trying to remember, God's laughing.  And that makes me laugh.  It's a work in progress but I'm going to try everyday to remember to be "flexible" and "go with the flow!"  Today I watched the ducks and the geese swimming in the pond and I thought to myself " That's my goal!".  To swim effortlessly.  To live effortlessly.  To love effortlessly.  In Yoga we chant Om.  We chant it three times.  The first Om is to let go of the past.  The second Om is to let go of the future.  And the third Om is to be or live in the present.  This is what I repeat to myself daily.  Just let go.  This is my last entry in this one journal book that has literally been, impossible to write, live and just exist.  This one was my hardest by far to experience.  I am relieved to be done with it.  So with that I say, goodbye past, hello present and future, well, I'll see ya when I get there.

The Soul's Call Home

There are things in life that for some reason or the other just wont dissipate, disappear or go away.  I've always believed that was the universe's way of say "No...you're not done yet." Or, "There isn't an expiration date on this!" Or, "You haven't learned the lesson yet, have you?".  To me, all of these reasons of why feelings, thoughts, actions, emotions, or people will not just go away.  This is also me trying to make sense of things.  They are frustrating as hell, but yet they make sense.  The bible says that God planted eternity in the human heart and even so we still cannot see the whole scope of his work from beginning to end.  It's a cycle, life that is.  It is forever and eternal.  So why do we think that things should end or come to a close?  Think about this, when we read something, a book, a blog, newspaper, whatever, there is always a final chapter, a final paragraph, a final sentence.  It's over, completed, done.  But is it?  No.  We can choose to open that book right back up and start over from the beginning and re-read it.  Have another experience with that book.  Perhaps it's the same experience every time but maybe it's not.  Regardless, we have made the choice to go back.  I happen to understand this concept more than I think anyone in my life. I do it all the time.  Return to a song, a book, a movie, a thought, a memory, a friend.  Sometimes the things or people I return to are not so good for me, and sometimes it's exactly what I need.  Regardless it reminds me of the happier times in my life, and I think that is why I go there.

Through all of my loves and losses, there is still one that I can't let go of.  I have definitely moved on in other areas of my life and tried relentlessly to move forward with other men, but this one man, I cannot let go.  I wish I could.  My heart wouldn't be so heavy.  Time and time again I come back to him, in my thoughts and heart.  If eternity lies in my heart, well then my feelings of love for him are eternally in my heart. And I can't help it!  I don't think I want to let him go.  I mean, I don't want to stop loving.  I choose to love him.  He's a good man and was my best friend for years.  He was there when all my other friends were hours away living their own lives, as people do.  He held my emotional and spiritual hand through my darkest days.  He made me laugh, so hard and so often.  He made me feel amazing about myself, inside and out.  There was no guard up around my heart.  I was open and honest and my true self with him.  And the really amazing thing about all of this was that I did the same for him.  I made him feel the same way.  I was his best friend, his confidant, his partner.  So truth be told, I like the way it makes me feel when I look back on that time.  How many of us can say that when they look back on past loves, it makes them feel happy and joyful?  Not many and certainly not me.  I don't look back on my other past loves and feel that way.  Not even close.  So what gives?  I don't know.  But part of me, a big part of me wonders if I'll ever see him again and if so, what would that be like?  Would it be like the time we meet in a Hotel lobby in Chicago for lunch?  I remember it was so busy that day, and I had just arrived there.  I was in the lobby with a thousand other people waiting for him to get off of the elevator.  I was on one side of the lobby and the elevators were on the opposite side.  I thought to myself, "He'll never find me in all of these people."  Finally the elevator doors opened and there he was.  He searched the crowed until his eyes and mine locked on each other, then our smiles.  Then suddenly through all of the chaos, he was standing there right in front of me.  Bright and shiny and embraced me with the best hug of my life.  Would it be like that?  Will he ever find me again?  I'd like to think so.  I choose to believe in eternity.

It Came Back

Something that I lost, a long time ago, perhaps almost two years ago or more, finally came back to me.  I finally found it! I remember being so upset when I lost it and trying so hard to find it but I couldn't ever find it.  I tried so many times and so many things to get my little treasure back and it was just...gone...forever! Ugh...the agony.  But finally I had to give up.  I had to let it go and move on which for me is extremely hard to do.  But I had to do this or drive myself crazy obsessing over this. And so I did.  I gave up the search and moved on. Then two years later I found it.  Just like that...it appeared.  I just happened to stumble over it so simply and easily that it shocked me especially after all the time and effort I had put into searching for it.  But, there it was just where I had left it.  It was an amazing feeling to find something that I had literally buried my soul in and gave me such comfort in a time in my life that was so confusing, to finally have it back in my hands.  Honestly, it was so overwhelming to have it again that I've kind of been a little obsessed with it.  I mean, I'm blogging about this little treasure.  But it's really not about my lost treasure, it's about the way that treasure made me feel. I could use this as an escape.  I can look back to where I was in those moments and where I am today and just breathe and be happy and release.  I made it!  I really did make it to the other side and all of those memories, are the building blocks for my future.  Mostly, I feel like I have a piece of myself back. A piece of me that has been missing for a while.  I know this doesn't make a lot of sense, but it will.  In time it will.

What is it that was so special to me that finally came back into my life?  It was my music.  I found all of my old play lists that I had buried somewhere deep in my computer and couldn't recover.  Listen, I am not the most technically savvy girl...that's why I went to the Apple store and the Apple guy couldn't get them back for me.  So you can imagine my surprise when I was fooling around on my computer and suddenly there they were. All of the songs that I put together to help me get through tough times, joyful times and just starting over times.  These songs unlocked a part of me that has been kept under lock and key for a very long time.  They represent a new start.  They represent all of my fire, my spirit, my drive, my passion and the sheer determination that is embedded in me for the best life I can possibly live.  And so, it begins. Right here and now.  First with this blog, and next with the book I'm working on.  So, as I go along my journey, I hope all of the special people in my life will go along too.  Here's to 2012!