Different Avenues

I am learning as I get older, much older, that there maybe one than one way to skin a cat.  Ok, what the heck do I mean by that?  Well for much of my life, I have been and probably will continue to be very rigid in my thinking.  I would actively say "it's black or white", "the proof is in the pudding", and "facts don't lie.  facts are truths".  For the most part I still do believe this.  But there is also a saying  "the devil is in the details", which I have begun to say more and more.  Because what this really means is that all the good and some of the bad stuff is hiding in between the facts.  All of the little details in life, make us who we are.  So when I say, "there is more than one way to skin a cat", I mean that sometimes we have to look at different perspectives, ideas, avenues if you will to understand something.  We have to be willing to step outside the lines and see all of the different shades of grey, black and white.  Why is it that when we shop for clothes, we want variety?  But when we shop for people, places, food, things, and even love, we want the same thing that we have had in the past.  Why?  Because we are comfortable there.  It's like that college sweatshirt that we will not get rid of simply because there is something about it that makes us feel like home, safe and secure.  I believe we have to have these things or these people in our lives to remind us of where we have been, where we are presently and where we are going.  But this entry isn't about "thanksgiving".  This entry is about stepping outside of our comfort zone to find out and confirm the most amazing gift that God has given us as humans, free will.  If we exercise our free will, and trust and believe that God is leading us, step outside that box, we grow.  We grow in all different directions.  We stretch to find the light.  And this is what God has intended for us.  There are some people in my life that I naturally gravitate toward.  Some are very much like the college sweatshirt, but I do have a couple who are very different than me and challenge me in a good, healthy way that I just can't get enough of.  They are like the food to my beautiful roses, while the others are like the water.  The water is constantly there, but the food comes periodically.  So in my life, right now, I'm trying to balance the distribution because I need both.  I never thought in a million years that I would be involved in or have the opportunities to be apart of the things that are in my life right now.  I had a dream.  I believed and I received.  So as uncomfortable it has been to stretch and grow outside of my box, and how I've literally had to learn "different ways to skin a cat", I can honestly say, it's been worth it!

Do the Work

Lately, actually very recently, I have become frustrated with some people in my life.  Some close friends, some colleagues, some family and of course some people that I haven't even met.  I haven't been able to put my finger on it as to what exactly it is that they are doing to annoy me, but trust me the annoyance is there nevertheless.  Beginning this summer I went through this..."thing".  A metamorphosis if you will.  Some of these awakenings were amazing and experiences I will never forget.  Some of it was very, very painful, and stressful and exhausting.  It was as if I was happy one minute and sad and frustrated the next.  I was all over the place.  Seriously, as if I was exercising the demons once and for all.  Well, I do believe that was the case.  But the same frustration I have felt the past few months or so, I have felt this past week.  It's back!  I didn't understand it until today.  I didn't get it until I was running today, and then again when I was in yoga class I was reminded of my epiphany on a deeper level.  My company just went through a down sizing.  Literally last week I had to stay home one day from work and wait for a phone call to tell me whether or not I was still employed.  I told you I was in a cut-throat business!  Well, I was one of the lucky ones this time.  I was saved.  Today we had the pleasure of meeting our new teams and managers beginning in January.  I have worked and met with all of my future team members and my new manager.  When I was asked today what I wanted in a team member, I instinctively responded without hesitation, that I wanted someone who would do what's right for the business, loyal and trustworthy.  Then it dawned on me as to why I have been irritated this past week.  One reason is because, as I looked around the room, I noticed that my own partner of almost two years was so quick to flip the switch and blend into the new team and district.  I noticed that yesterday at a meeting we had with our current partners. She has already cashed in and her loyalty was no longer to me, and not even to our manager who has helped us grow beyond our imagination.  Her loyalty was and is to herself.  And I noticed that in each of my new partners, and some existing.  What a let down.  These are the people who do just enough to get by but will allow someone else to do the work while they reap the rewards. This is hot button for me.  Not only in business, but in my personal life too.  There have been people in my life who have been happy to sit back and enjoy the ride, while I do all of the emotional, spiritual and mental work in the relationship.  They are the life suckers.  They literally will suck the life out of you if you allow them.  They have their own issues they need to work on but in someway, if they can get you to be their friend, lover, confidant, partner, etc. that in itself does the work for them.  Why?  Because they live off the fantasy that is in their own minds while you are dealing with reality.  And when you try to get some work out of them....it is a battle.  So why do we or I hang on to these people that exhaust us of our resources?  Why do we allow them to still be in our lives if all they do is create havoc?  I don't know the answer, but at least now I know the problem and I know the perpetrators.  So, now I can do the work of getting back to my life and allowing them to get back to theirs.

Settling

What does it mean to settle?  Does it mean to concede to an idea, a concept, a thought, a person?  Does it mean happiness?  Does it mean peace?  Does it mean completeness?  What does settling mean?  A lot of people settle for things, people, jobs, money, anything so that they don't disappoint themselves any further from being denied what they really wanted.  Or they settle because they are afraid of getting exactly what they wanted.  Scared that their dreams may finally come true.  Scared that the fantasy is real.  We as humans are very complicated aren't we?  We strive our whole lives to live our version of our fantasy for our life.  That is the struggle and strife we face everyday.  We fight and have the drama in our lives because we simply do not know any better.  And when we get a glimpse of our fantasy finally coming true, we run.  We run in the opposite direction because that would mean that we were right.  We were faithful and our prayers have been answered.  We have to believe in miracles at that point and there is no turning back from that.  Unless, we deny it.  Unless, we turn away from it.  Unless, we run.  But there are some of us who choose not to run.  There are some of us who want to believe in the little miracles that have been created.  There are some of us who refuse to settle.  Who still believe in the dream.  Who still think that everything they could have ever wished for will arrive.  Who pray for this every single day and refuse to stop believing that God, the universe or whoever cannot hear our prayer.  I find myself stuck between the two camps, the runners and the believers.  When I am having a good day, spiritually, I am a believer.  But, when I am shown that my dream may just be a dream,  I run.  Sometimes you cannot deny the writing on the wall.  Sometimes you have to just accept it and keep going.  But what if you are still unsure of what the writing on the wall says?  Is this denial or is this acceptance?  So as far as settling, I guess I would say that I have chosen to settle for  a day, a weekend, a week.  But, I refuse to settle for the rest of my life.  I refuse to accept mediocre or watered down dreams and try to metamorphosis them into my own.  I refuse to give up.  I refuse to let myself or my heart down. Because here's the thing, when you settle for something that is less than what you wanted, you are happy for a while but that doesn't last a lifetime.  You will always know that you chose to bail out on yourself and what you truly wanted.  You gave up.  I choose not to give up.  I choose to believe.  I choose faith.  "If God leads you to it, he will lead you through it."

Reciprocate

I recently got this pillow cover at one of my most favorite stores that says "Too much of a good thing can truly be wonderful".  I question that.  Can it?  Too much of the wrong foods can make your health deteriorate and put on the pounds.  Too much shopping can lead to an addition... Hello, I am a shopaholic.  Too much foreplay can make you angry...trust me...I've been there.  So I wonder if too much of a good thing can be truly wonderful?  The only thing I can think of that would make this quote accurate is love.  Too much love is never really a bad thing.  Too much love is usually a great thing, unless it is the forbidden love that will only hurt the one person that is doing the loving.  The unrequited love.  In the movie "The Holiday", Kate Winslet's character does a great job of describing the victim of unrequited love.  She also does an amazing job with her monologues one in particular when she describes how she felt loving someone who will not, and cannot, love her back.  She says that she knows what it feels like to be the most insignificant person in someone's life.  I too have shared her sentiment.  I know what that feels like.  And lately, I have felt it more and more.  When I left a man of seven years, I swore to myself that I would never let that happen to myself ever again.  Then it happened.  Right after my divorce to the man that I thought I was going to marry and have children with and a happily ever after.  I remember being so angry with myself that I could get so caught up in someone else that I forgot to do some fact finding.  Does he love me the way that I love him and will he reciprocate my love?  If you have to question it, do you not already know the answer?  I also, a couple years after that, was at a party with some friends and of course a fortune teller was there to entertain us.  She said to me, " you will never be in a relationship again where your love is not returned the same way that you love."  Well, I want my money back....because it happened again.  Recently.  So now I feel so, damaged.  I can't get it right.  I am the common denominator here and that should tell me that I am the problem.  I am the one making all of these mistakes.  As the match maker would say, " your picker is off!".  Yes, you could say that again.  I willing love men who will not, and cannot love me back.  I just don't know what else to do at this point.  I think I'll take some advice from some friends and just "stopping looking so hard".  I didn't realize I was.  I'm just gonna stop trying to find that love that I want and hopefully one day it will just show up.

Mistakes

Some philosophers have said that there are no such things as "mistakes".  Things that happen, are meant to happen, and things that are not meant to happen, simply do not.  I wrestle with this idea.  I have made a lot of mistakes in my own opinion.  But I do have to say that each mistake has lead me to different place in my life that I never thought possible.  Some good and some bad.  Someone once told me that the good has to out weigh the bad.  The man that I fell in love with and stayed in love with the idea of loving him told me this.  Did our bad out weigh our good?  Is this why we didn't make it?  Or was it because of choices, mistakes made by both of us?  I have no idea.  But tonight I face a mistake that I have wrestled with since 2010.  Depending on my mood, my "status", my little world, my decision on this topic wavers.  Did I choose to take a step back or a step forward?  And where has it gotten me?  Professionally, it has gotten me far, for now.  But personally, I still long for my love. And that is my problem.  I took a chance in 2010 that changed my destiny forever.  I left yet another man that I knew loved me, or at least the idea of me to find something else or someone else.  And here I sit. Still waiting.  I do know this, I would rather be waiting here alone, feeling lonely and lost, than sitting here with the wrong person feeling the exact same way.  Trust me. I've been there and it is miserable and no way to live.  How can I have the ability to see other people in my life so clearly and for some reason I cannot see my way out of this.  The only thing I know to do that would be successful is to flee.  To leave.  Like I did before.  When I knew that he wouldn't commit to me, I left.  When I had lost all hope of there ever being more, I left.  I just left.  That was how I saved what was left of me and my heart.  Here I am again.  Faced with the same dilemma.  Only this time it's not so easy.  How can we fall in love so easily when we know that there is the biggest chance in the world that it's not gonna work.  There have been people here who have called me the "ice queen".  People have said, "She is the job and the job is her.  She is as hard as a rock.  No one can penetrate that core." That couldn't be farther from the truth.  I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I have a hopeful heart and a longing soul.  When I fall, I fall hard and fast.  I am loyal and loving.  And all I want in return, is that.  Love, loyalty, trust, commitment.  So tonight I am missing the days when I care freely loved this man, or the idea of him and it was o.k. to do so.  I miss the days when love was easy and fun.  I miss the days where I wasn't known as the "ice queen".  So my little prayer that I will send up to the heavens tonight is this...Please God give me peace.  Please God do not let this be another set back or mistake.  Please God help me to make sense of all of this.  And please God....if you are feeling gracious...answer my unspoken prayer.  Amen.

The Truth About Love

Have you missed me?  I like to think that I'm writing to dear friends who have missed hearing from me.  I know, it's silly but it is comforting to me.  I have missed you.  I have been traveling for my day job and have had no time to write, and really I haven't been inspired to write, until today.  Where I am in the world the weather is changing.  It's fall.  Fall represents a season of change and I for one can literally feel it in the air.  I feel it in my own life.  I am changing and it is so very good and so very big and I just can't control it, as hard as I have tried.  As I'm writing this I'm watching the fountain spilling over into the pond and as the water moves, steam escapes from it.  It is like it has been contained for so long that when it spills out, there is so much heat and energy that it releases the effects of that energy which is the steam.  It is so beautiful.  It reminds me of how I am feeling today and how I have been feeling lately.  It's difficult to articulate so I will start with a book.  This summer I engaged myself in reading a series of a book that ultimately turned out to be a love story.  As I was reading these books I was reminded of love, and the truth about love.  I can identify that feeling the characters in the book shared because I too have experienced that.  I was much younger than I am now and it was my first experience in love.  I remember how I felt and how different it was than any other love I had ever had in my life up until then or even after the relationship ended.  I became so involved with these books that it literally effected every part of my life.  I even wrote several entries in my blog about the art of a woman "coming alive".  Not only do I stand behind every single one of those entries, but I am so grateful and in awe of the experience.  It helped me to let go and move beyond somethings and people that I had been holding onto that really needed to disappear from my life.  So, as I am reading the books, I am reminded of the truth about love.  I am reminded of what love really is.  I am also reminded that I only felt that way once, perhaps two times in my life. And when I did, it truly was a magical thing.  It was as if all the stars had aligned for that perfect moment of when the two of us met.  The butterflies in your belly every single time when you see each other.  The not wanting to be the first person to hang up the phone or end the conversation.  The ultimate and pure joy of the first kiss, touch, intimacy.  And the intimacy that is created and shared in the most simplest of ways as in a look you give each other across the room, a gentle hand grasp when no one is looking or by a special language that is spoken between the two of you verbal or non-verbal that is only yours and yours alone.  And most of all, your biggest fear in life becoming and remaining of the thought or chance that you could loose each other.  That all of this happiness, completeness and fulfillment could end at any moment.  You become scared to death that you will loose this person forever.  That is love.  That is the truth about love.  I think that in life, we all build up walls.  Either because we have found love and lost it and therefore in order of getting hurt again, we create our own version of what love is.  For some, love is how a couple looks on paper.  For example, great jobs/careers, they both make great money, they love similar things, they have lots in common and if anyone would look at their relationship from afar they would think to themselves "Wow, they are so great together. They've got it all."  But behind closed doors it is very different.  They have to work at their connection.  Their intimacy is off.  Their communication is non existent until they are with others and then the show begins.  How do I know this?  Because I was in a relationship just like this.  I knew something was wrong but chose to ignore it until I realized that the rest of my life could be like this unless I changed something immediately.  I have struggled with that decision but I knew it was the right one.  I knew that I couldn't possibly be the woman that he wanted because he was not the man I wanted.  I couldn't put my finger on it until I read these books and that helped to re-comfirm every decision I've ever made about any relationship since my first one.  My first love, the first man and one of the two I felt that true love for, taught me one essential thing that I didn't remember until lately which was, that is what love is suppose to feel like.  That is what life is all about, love.  That love, is worth fighting for.  That is why when you feel that love, you do come alive.  It's your souls cry being answered.  It is Godly and right.  And that is what I have fought to get back in my life.  I will not settle for "paper love".  And no one should.  So, as one of my business clients told me to "take a chance".  I did, and found everything.  I found the love.

I'm Ready

Tonight, I'm feeling sexy.  Did I just say that?  Yes, I did.  I feel sexy. At this very moment, sitting here in candle light, in one of my favorite night gowns that is black, strappy and soft, listening to Sade. It's funny because miraculously I haven't even begun to get into the wine yet and this feeling is all natural.  Ha!  I had a great workout at the gym and then I came home and ran myself a very hot bubble bath.  OOOHHH.... I have forgotten how great a long hot bath could feel.  Tonight it felt even more special as I emerged myself into the steamy, hot water and just let it caress me.  I needed that.  The bath gave me some nurturing that I have been desperately longing for.  It's been a long time since I have been in a serious, committed relationship.  I have been playing around since my divorce and I have to say, I had never done that before in my life and it was great!  I discovered somethings about myself through all of the playing but also through all of the time that I have been alone.  I learned that I'm pretty awesome to hang out with.  I learned that I am an amazing lover, sexually and intimately.  And to that point, I am a very intimate person.  When you are let into my little world, you are in until you're not.  I am loyal to a fault but I have learned that I must ultimately be the most loyal and true to myself.  I have learned what kind of man I want, and what kind of man I do not want.  I have recently learned this week that my past little boy toys that have always gave me my instant gratification and release, no longer can cool my fire.  I have evolved past them.  My thirst can no longer be quenched with meaningless sex or "relationships".  It's like junk food...it will fill you up for the time being but after wards you just feel like crap, like junk.  So with this little awakening this week, I immediately was frustrated because I needed release!  Then it occurred to me that I no longer want the junk food.  I want the real thing.  I'm ready for love.  I'm ready to feel sexy for my man again.  I'm ready to take the risk, the leap, the jump.  This is why I feel sexy tonight.  I'm not pretending anymore to be sexy, I just know that I am and have embodied it.  It is apart of me now, and I love it.  Every woman should feel this way...the coming aliveness of being a woman.  God, it's intoxicating.  So, as I sit here, alone, in my beautiful home that wishes me "good morning" everyday and "good night" every evening, I feel complete knowing that my heart, body, mind and soul is ready for my love.  I'm ready for the man who dares to take this journey with me.  I had written in one of my blogs that I wonder if people can see when a woman comes back to life and if so can they see me coming alive?  This past weekend and today I got my proof.  After a trying day yesterday and an emotionally tough week, I pulled myself back up to the high that I have been on all summer by putting on one of my new favorite dresses, my hair in tendrils and sprayed myself with my most sexiest fragrance and out into the world I went.  I was walking into an office building and literally had an group of business men stop their discussion and determined traveling to hold open the door for me, greet me and then when all of the cordials had been exchanged, one of them said, "God you're beautiful.  Absolutely exquisite.  It's so nice to see a woman take care of herself."  Of course I gleamed up at him and rewarded him with the biggest smile I could manage without looking goofy and told him thank you.  And I thought to myself, yes, this is exactly what being a woman should feel like.  For another proof, this past weekend at my dad's house, my stepmother and father were gloating all over me saying how great I looked.  That I looked happy.  And then my stepmother said something to me that I will treasure always.  She said, " you know your ex-husband, and all those other boys that you dated are really going to look back at their life with you, if they haven't already, and really regret loosing you.  You are an amazing woman.  They could have had an incredible life with you and an incredible love if they only would have grown up and not have been so afraid."  I couldn't agree with her more.  They say that we attract what we put out.  So for me, here's to growing up and not playing anymore games.  Here's to letting go of fear and embracing what life throws me.  Here's to keeping this feeling alive and thriving and sharing it with everyone I come in contact because this is life, real love and life.  No faking it, living it.  And that is why I'm ready.  And that is very, very, sexy.

It Will Rain

I have to start this entry out by saying how wonderful it is in my home right now.  The rain is falling, and has been off and on all weekend. The house is dimly lit with the hazy light coming in from the windows and the candles I have burning.  The smell of lavender and coffee permeate the rooms and besides from Adele crooning in the background all I can hear is the rain lightly touching the windows with kisses.  It is scrumptious this morning.  I have been on a soul searching adventure this summer and most of all that I have discovered has been amazing.  I'm sad to see the summer come to an end, but can't help to be excited for what lies ahead.  I have a love/hate relationship with fall.  I love the season and all of the colors and activities that occur but I do have some painful memories as well.  I plan to keep busy to make new memories.  Yesterday I went to church which is a pretty regular activity for me and there are people there that I have known since I was a child.  There is one person in particular that drives me crazy.  There I said it.  This person asks me every single time that they seem me, " So, what's new?  What's going on with you?".  Now, this is usually what people will ask to start a conversation and I get that, but it's the way they ask it, the tone in their voice that sets me off.  It's almost like they are searching for the exact answer that they want to hear to make their own life better.  It's very annoying and also pressuring at the same time.  Usually I try my hardest to be as polite as possible and answer with very vague answers because truly I do not have anything so new and exciting to share.  But yesterday I got very agitated when asked these routine questions from this person and I couldn't help but to say in an exasperated tone " Nothing is new.  I'm pretty boring.  I have nothing going on to write home about.  I'm pretty boring right now!"  I was hoping that by my tone and my words that this person would get the hint that I don't want to talk about my life or myself with them!  As in, "leave me the hell alone!" Their response was definitely unexpected.  Their response was actually, dare I say, brilliant.  They said to me after the scolding answer I gave them this, " Well, sometimes that's good.  Usually when you feel like your life is boring or routine, something big is coming your way.  This "boring" time is preparing you for what lies ahead, something really big is about to happen to you."  I stood there hushed and amazed at what they just said.  How did they know exactly what I had been thinking or feeling for the past month or so?  Are they mind readers?  Because it is true.  I do feel that something really big is about to happen to me and I don't exactly know what it is but I couldn't be more excited or anxious about it.  My instinct, because of past experiences, has been to build up walls or a dam if you will to keep from having too much happiness shower me.  Why do I do this?  Because of fear or losing what I've always wanted and having it slip through my fingers, once again.  So, I have been working on this in yoga, my mediation, reiki, anything to keep the flow, flowing.  I practice this through the element of water and for the past two weekends, it has rained.  At first I was upset that the last two weekends of summer, the last two weekends to enjoy the sun,  it has rained.  But in hindsight and today, I embrace the rain.  I embrace the water. I embrace the flow.  Because something big is really about to happen and there is nothing for me to do except let it happen.  It will rain, and I must accept it.  It will rain and it will nurture and cultivate, it will bring new life.  It will rain and all will be healthy and happy.  It will rain and I will be complete.

All Knowing Nothing

"I know" is a very strong statement.  We use it everyday, and sometimes multiple times a day.  Someone tells you the something that you believe you already "know" and our response is "I know".  So what is it exactly we know.  The answer we tell ourselves is practically everything.  We know it all. But do we?  I am struggling with this concept because like I said, I'm trying to familiarize myself with living in the "grey" areas of life rather than my most candid approach which is oh so familiar, the black and white of any given fact, situation, or circumstance.  As I've stated earlier, this is extremely hard for me because at times I feel as if I'm lying to myself or in some what denying, or "unlearning" what I already know, which is the cold hard facts.  I've realized that I have studied science for so long that not everything is black or white.  There are grey areas of life, mostly in matters of the heart.  I read once that women should never believe anything what a man says but to believe what he actually does, his actions.  I have lived by this for so long but again, to me this is black or white.  You either follow through with what you have said, or simply you do not.  This is how I have based the decisions that I have made while keeping my heart at bay.  "When one is ruled by their emotions, they live a very challenging life.  Be the surgeon.  Stay neutral.  Go in and get the job done and leave.  Do not feel."  This was the advice given to me by someone that I've trusted for sometime.  So I have been wrestling with these thoughts of being ruled by my mind and logic or being ruled by my heart.  This week at yoga, the theme was to "unlearn what you already know".  How powerful is that statement but yet so confusing at the same time.  How can we just ignore the facts?  How can we throw caution to the wind and imagine what exactly we want for our life without a care as to what we do already know?  The answer, ironically is I don't know.  I can only go by, dare I say it, what I feel.  And what I feel is, oh so overwhelming.  And my heart, oh my heart.  So alive and scared at the same time.  Can the hope I have be real?  Can my faith manifest itself so greatly that all of my wishes, desires and dreams come true?  God I hope so.  Otherwise, what is faith?  Why do we believe?  Why do I believe?  So really, all I know is that, I must trust that all of this is for a reason.  I must have faith that all will be right.  I must believe in happy endings.  I must unlearn what I already know and search my heart.  Trust my heart and feelings and have the courage to march into the unknown.  For as the poem states " the less I know, the more I am free."

Coming Alive

There are so many movies that have been done about women being lost in what the various stereotypes society casts us in. We become lost in the corporate world, as in being so "buttoned up" and closed off that we do not let anyone near us or in to our true selves.  Some of us become lost in the role of wife or mother that we cannot identify with anyone who is not a wife or mother.  These are just some of the more popular scenarios that have been depicted.  But in every movie, book, story, the woman is triggered by someone or something that brings her back to her true self meaning she reclaims her woman hood and remembers what it's like to be a woman again. Because all of us from time to time forget.  We type cast ourselves as a daughter, sister, mother, grandmother, student, VP, CEO, wife, and so on and so on.  However even though we are all these things, we are first a woman with healthy carnal urges to be adored, admired, seduced, loved and sensual.  Feeling this way I find makes me a better friend, lover, daughter, sister, or whatever role I'm playing for the day because inside I feel amazing about myself knowing that someone sees me as the woman that I am.  I remember the director Adrian Lyne talking about the movie he made with Diane Lane, "Unfaithful".  This movie was so controversial, but  the director Mr. Lyne who also directed "Fatal Attraction", when interviewed about "Unfaithful" stated that it was really about the journey of the female character,Connie, played by Diane Lane,  and what it takes for a woman to come alive again, which ironically is not much.  After being suppressed to mother and wife, her new role in life, someone triggered something in her that made her feel that incarnate spirit of what it feels like to be a woman, to feel desired, wanted, loved just for being the woman that she naturally was before she suppressed that need to attend to others needs.  And he went on to say that you can see the transition in her instantly when it happens to her. You can see when she finally let's go and returns to her femininity and puts the labels aside for just a moment to regain a part of herself that we as women are trained by society that we must give up in order to be the perfect wife, mother, daughter, sister, CEO, VP and so on.  I beg to differ.  I know that for me, my business, my personal relationships, my family, my friends, everything in my life is so much better when I've channeled this energy.  It's intoxicating and the people around you get drunk on it, and so do I.  It's beautiful. It's carnal. It's natural.  In "Unfaithful", something or someone made her sparkle again and she knew it, owned it and embraced it as a part of her.  There is something to be said about that.  I feel as if I'm going through something like that myself as if you couldn't tell.  Something or someone has triggered that part of me that has reminded me of how to be a woman again, and once more, I quite like it. Actually, I love it.  I can't get enough of it. It feels natural, sexy, and comforting in a way.  I'm not sure if it's because I'm in my thirties now and feel more sound, confident and settled or if there is indeed a trigger.  All I know is it is beautiful.  I look around me and see so many women who have simply forgot how to be a woman.  They do not take care of themselves the way that they should.  This might sound narcissistic but a woman should worship herself as she wants to be worshiped.  I'm not talking biblical, so don't get uptight about this.  God himself said to men..."love your wives as Christ loved the church".  So why is it that women forget that and discount themselves?  Why is it that a woman becomes last on the "food chain"?  Listen, I know as a mother you must take care of your children first and foremost. But also being a good mother means that you must also take care of yourself too.  You are the example for your children and they soak up everything we do.  Show them how to take care of themselves and others by taking care of you!  I do know a lot of mothers, my friends who still make themselves look great when they are out in public or even in the privacy of their own homes with their husbands.  That is part of being a woman.  For me lately, I felt this spirit come alive. It is like an insatiable fire that I cannot put out and quite frankly I don't want to put it out.  I want it to grow.  I'm embracing it and trying not to ask questions which is very hard for me, but I'm going with it.  I just wonder if Adrian Lyne is right....can you see me coming alive? I think that you can because this is something that even I cannot hide, and nor do I want to.  It feels too damn good.

Dancing in the Dark

For me personally, life has been crazy over the past month.  I have experienced the highest of highs and  the lowest of lows, and back again.  This morning I sit here writing feeling so, dare I say it, happy.  I have no idea why I feel happy but I do know that I have done everything in my power to not allow myself to feel this happiness that has washed over me.  I'm not kidding.  I feel as if I have been through a war, with myself.  I have tried to talk myself out of what I'm feeling time and time again and despite my best efforts, the happiness has won out.  Ha! Through all of my wrestling with myself I found out some key aspects to why would someone, or me, fight feeling happiness.  Why, after all of this time would I stop myself from feeling something that comes natural?  Questions of "Is this wrong? Is this right?  How can I feel this way?  Do I deserve to feel this way after everything that has happened? Will it go away?  Will it stay? What does the future hold?".  Exhausting just reading these questions isn't it?  So what are the answers? Well if you know anything about me, I exercised every possible outcome to find the answers.  This is just the scientist in me.  There is always a solution to any problem/hypothesis. That reminds me in the movie "Clueless" when Cher says to her father who is a high profile attorney "Daddy, have you ever had a problem that you can't argue your way out of?" His response "Tell me the problem and we will figure out a way to argue it."  That's me. However with some of these questions if not all of them, there was no way to find a solution as hard as I tried.  There were lessons to learn with all of these questions.  One, I had to let go of the past.  Now I had thought that I had successfully done this.  I've been to therapy, took classes, written many hours in several journals but I had not really let go of the past until just recently.  God, it feels amazing.  It feels liberating.  I finally feel that I can move forward.  I let go of the guilt that I kept carrying around with me and with that, I let go of everything else.  All the labels, all the hurt, all the expectations, all of it.  Just let it go!  Ironically, all of my daily devotions had been centered around letting go of things that do not serve us and letting go of the past.  With that, transformation happens.  This is the magic time.  This is the time that you actually can actively feel God working in your heart.  The universe and you are in line with the exact plan and you feel it in your bones, your soul.  How could I fight this feeling?  Then there is the blessing.  You can't hold on to things that God has already forgiven you for and then expect to receive his blessing.  He forgave you in order to bless you.  And he always will forgive.  That is his promise to us.  He will forgive, now it's our job to open up, release the guilt and shame that are not of God, and receive the blessing or what he has intended for us in our life.  This is impossible to do if we allow the darkness to keep haunting us.  The past is the past.  Yesterday, last week, last month, the last moment is the past.  We have this time, this moment, this second to make our present and our future.  So with all of those questions that I have wrestled with, the answer is I don't know.  I've stopped worrying about all of those unnecessary things because I do deserve happiness, as we all do.  And feelings are true and real and quite simply, it is what it is so believe it.  So as much as I have wanted to know how all of this will play out, I have released that control.  I literally am dancing in the dark and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Part of Me

This week has been a very heart breaking week.  For the first time in several years, I honestly have heart break.  My heart hurts so that it is unbearable.  I have to let someone go that no longer has my best interest at heart.  How many times am I going to do this?  Make the same mistake?  I guess I should look at it as a blessing. Now I know true intentions of this person and in a way it is freeing and awakening.  It's not a fairy tale.  It's reality.  They love themselves more than they love me.  It's jarring to have to come to terms with the fact that words are just words unless action is followed by them.  So, with that, my heart sinks.  I feel like such a failure in love.  I have loved so deeply and so intensely, but have those men loved me back in the same way?  If so, would I be with one of them today?  Who knows but as Katy Perry states in her song "this is the part of me that you'll never, ever take away from me".  I love this about myself but it is also a double edged sword.  I wish at times, this part of me would just be quiet.  Ha...then I would be like all the other miserable people in relationships that have passed their expiration date.  So today, I sit with heartache.  However I know that in time, my heart will heal and I will move on.  I will be stronger and wiser.  I will never betray myself ever again to appease someone else.  I will never do that to myself ever again. For that is my heart break.  Knowing I did something that went against ever fiber in my soul.  So, now it's time for re-birth.  Renewal of promises to myself, God, the universe that I will be true to myself.  No matter how bad it hurts me at the time or another person, I will be true.  This is the part of me that no one will ever take away from me.  Going through heartbreak is indeed like loosing a loved one.  The five stages of grief has no bounds when one is grieving a loss of a person, a pet, something dear to them, a friend, a lover, or part of yourself.  This week I'm on the second stage I think, the sadness and crying.  I need for the anger stage to kick in to kick me in the butt so that I can move forward with daily activities.  Then the rest will come.  But I have to say that this experience has revealed to me some things that are amazing about myself.  One, I do have the ability to put my feelings aside to make someone else happy.  Second, I know that I will only be doing this for a select few going forward.  Third, it has put all of my past relationships in perspective and I have graduated over them.  Fourth, it has shown me what kind of relationship I want in my life and especially the kind I do not want.  So I feel that I am much closer to getting who I am meant to be with.  And for that and that alone, it was worth it.  Sometimes you have to face and own the ugly in order to over come it.

Smoke and Mirrors

In today's society it is very easy to get caught up in all of the glam.  Bright and shiny things turns us on.  Let's face it, we all get sucked in to the "newness" of something and the glitz and glam it can bring to our lives. It makes us feel like we our "kings" and "queens" of the world.  I have been caught up in something like this for a while, sorry to say.  It was a great ride at times but there is always something in the back of your mind that is telling you.."This is surface and superficial.  This is not real...and neither are you.  You are not being your true self but a version of that."  I used to call these things "distractions" that keep us from being and living our truth.  Now I call them "smoke and mirrors", or if you will, lies.  They are the lies that we allow other people to tell us to continue the cycle.  They are the lies we tell ourselves so that we can keep having "fun" and not think or deal with reality.  And the reality is that all of the bright and shiny, glitz and glam, smoke and mirrors, are not real.  They are lies.  In my everyday 8 to 5 job I pride myself at detecting the "smoke and mirrors" that are fed to me.  I do this very well and it has made me very successful.  I just do not let clients feed me a line of crap.  I question and examine what they are saying until we get to the heart of the matter, until they can no longer put forth the "front" and all we are left with is the truth.  The truth is what you can work with.  The truth is what you can accept and move forward with a solution if need be.  You cannot work with a lie.  You cannot work with someone who refuses to be honest with you or themselves.  So, therefore, you cut your losses until perhaps one day you can get to the truth and move forward.   In my personal life I have had to dispel a lot of lies, "smoke and mirrors".  I have had to really take an inventory of the people in my life and decide whether or not they are true to me or not.  Sometimes this has been easy and sometimes this had been really hard.  Why?  Why is it hard to clear out the smoke and mirrors?  Because at times, I didn't want to believe what is starring back at me.  I didn't want to believe that it is a lie.  If I was believing a lie, and ignoring the truth, then what does that say about me? Hard to face the ugly truth sometimes especially if you are just as guilty as the other parties.  I am a work in progress.  I faced the ugly truth and it has set me free.  In so many ways.  There is no guilt, no shame, no worry or stress, only peace and freedom.  The truth has set me free, and I am running with it.  There is no need to return to the lie, because the lie has unfolded.  The gig is up and now new life begins.  So let it begin.

Commitment Phoebic

This is one of my favorite times to write...at night...when the house is quiet. The music is playing, candles are lit, glass of wine and a beautiful bouquet of yellow roses, courtesy of me of course, is sitting before me.  They make me so happy every time I look at them.  I would highly recommend that you buy yourself some flowers sometime if you never have.  I love flowers and I have all kinds of favorites, but roses are classic and timeless, so I love them.  Now that I have set the mood for us, ha ha, let's get down to business.  I have realized something about myself that I'm sure will cost more hours and thousands of dollars in therapy.  I think that I have known for a while but refused to admit it, but I have to or else I will forever be alone.  This week, I was faced with a very big decision.  I mean, if all works out, it's going to be amazing.  But it could go sour, real fast and I know that.  So I had to decide whether to commit to this endeavor or not.  I literally procrastinated until the very last minute possible to make the decision of what I wanted to do.  What I realized and actually had the courage to admit about myself is...I'm a commitment phoebe.  Seriously...I'm afraid of commitment.  Isn't this supposed to be a issue for mostly males?  Of course...I would have it.  My therapist is going to love this on Monday.  I can't or am afraid to commit, personally that is.  In business, I'm in it.  I'm in it to win it and there is no looking back.  I'm committed 100 percent.  But in my personal life...it scares me to death.  Perhaps this is the stumbling block for me to why I always fall in love with the WRONG MEN!!!!  ALWAYS!!!  Is it because deep down in my heart I know I will never have them?  I will never have to commit to them?  Is that why?  Or is it because, I am very loyal.  I am loyal to a fault.  I'm that person that when the Titanic was sinking, I wouldn't leave.  I was committed and loyal to the ship and when it sank...so did I.  This could be a metaphor to some of the most intense, amazing, and tragic relationships of my life.  It certainly is true of my marriage.  I sank along with my marriage.  I had to...to rise to the top again.  But that is neither here nor there, regardless, I am commitment shy.  I always have been.  I think it began after one of my first serious relationships with a man.  I'm scared to death that when I do commit by giving all of me, body, soul and heart, it will be discarded, like the other men discarded my feelings for what they wanted, needed, and frankly loved...themselves.  So I can't commit...not yet.  Not until I know without a shadow of a doubt that when I do commit myself again to another man, he will also commit himself to me, fully, not part time...full time.  There are so many times that other people will use you to get what they need for the moment, the night, the week, the month and then leave you until they need another "fix".  I have been that person for so many others that I have to pull away in order to save myself.  Sometimes you have to say no to others in order to say yes to yourself.  So this doesn't help my commitment issue.  But it does help my "love thyself" issue.

Connections

In today's world, life that is, it is very rare to find that human connection that everyone is looking for.  I mean let's be honest...every single person is looking for that connection with another person that will answer all of the unanswered questions, assumptions or imaginations that we have in our minds.  However when we do find it, it is often by surprise and very, very, intense.  And the intensity grows stronger and stronger until their is point, or plateau where something gives.  Something bad, or something good...it just gives.  And at that point, it will either make the relationship stronger or it will burn the flame out.  This doesn't have to be a romantic connection.  I've experienced this in friendships as well.  Think about the friends who have come and gone in your life.  It starts out where there is such interest, intensity and intrigue.  Then once we find out all we need to know about that person, either through a crazy night out on the town, through another friend, or in a disagreement with them, it simply ends.  It is never the same.  The flame got snuffed out.  And there are times when we see them again and regale old times.  However after fifteen minutes, if that, we realize that is all we had with them, fifteen minutes worth of friendship.  I'm not trying to sound insensitive, but really that is all that it is.  I believe that people enter and exit your life when needed.  Sometimes we are not ready for things to be over, and we fight it, or delay it as long as possible.  But the inevitable is coming, and that we are certain of every single day.  Then there are those that no matter where we go, no matter what we do, who we marry, who we unmarry, they are there, in our soul.  Our soul mates.  I have been very fortunate to have a couple of those in my life.  It doesn't matter how much time has past, we can always pick up right where we left off.  Those relationships are priceless.  I feel that there are times when I have lost myself...in some way.  Then I connect with one of my soul mates, either directly or indirectly and what was lost is suddenly found again.  That is what I want for my life.  That is what I want in my marriage. I will not settle until I have it...no one should.  Because, no matter what, even if you cannot face the truth as it is staring you down in the mirror, your soul companion will reveal it to you just in their presence.  Why? How?  This is one vital way that our soul communicates to us, reflecting our soul's counterpoint, revealing our truth, revealing us in them.  And that connection can never be broken, even as much as we would like it to be sometimes, it never goes away. The lost, gets found, it always, always does.

Karma

Today I was reading an article about Karma.  As a yogi...I absolutely believe in Karma.  What ever thought, action, words, anything you put out...comes back in one way or another.  Today I had repairman come to my house for some appliance repair.  This was the second appointment. The first is when the company sent another repairman out to diagnose the problem, order the part and set up the next service visit.  The first repairman that came to my house a couple weeks ago, misdiagnosed the problem.  Well, he got some of it right but not the entire problem.  There were two things malfunctioning and he only got the one, the most evident.  So when the repairman today said the he had missed something and that my appliance would need another part and an additional service appointment, I was ironically o.k. with that.  Any other time, I probably would have been annoyed and irritated that more of my time was going to have to be inconvenienced.  But...today...it was o.k.  And here's why.  The original service man was young, like myself, new in his position, and extremely kind.  As I was talking to him and looked him over from head to toe, he was attractive as well...guess I didn't mention that, but he reminded me of someone I used to know.  I knew him from the get go.  He didn't have to tell me his name, I already knew in my heart and soul who he was.  He was the spitting image of my ex-husband.  From his hair, to his eyes, to his hands, his smile, his mannerisms, to the way he spoke, to what cologne he was wearing.  He was him.  And if affected me.  I cried that day because I was reminded of how much I had loved him and how I would have given anything and everything for our marriage to work.  We were the couple that everyone wanted to be on paper and in the pictures.  In real life, not so much.  So today when I opened the door and he wasn't there, there were two other men there to repair my appliance, I was some what relieved.  The older more experienced repairman apologized over and over again for the inconvenience of not being able to fix the complete problem today and that the other repairman, my ex-husband look-a-like, was new and needed more training or else he would have known to look for the other problem, the root of the cause for the dysfunction.  Wow...that really put things in perspective for me.  He didn't know any better.  He was young, inexperienced and needed more training.  So with that, the older, wiser, and more experienced repairman took the fall and the responsibility of picking up the pieces and repairing what was broken a long time ago.  I could have been very upset and just complained to high heaven about his inabilities.  Instead I said, "You know...it's o.k.  He's learning and so am I in areas.  He was so nice and treated me well so I would ask that he doesn't get into any trouble for his mistake.  It happens and I'm o.k. with it."  Let me tell you, that took a lot of therapy hours to say that!  Because who I was really meaning and saying that to was my ex-husband and myself.  I forgave him just like I forgave the inexperienced repairman.  Because here's the thing...I needed work when I entered into my marriage, and so did my ex.  But it was not his job or mine to fix each other completely.  We both karmically, had to go through this together to learn the lesson that you have to deal with yourself and your issues before you can offer up your whole self to anyone else.  We were young, inexperienced, and didn't know any better.  Who knew that karma lessons could play out in the simplicity of home repairs...Love it.

Bits and Pieces

So...I have difficulty with my writing lately.  I do not know why....well that's not true, I know why.  I have been so scattered lately.  I feel that I may need a new plan or a new direction for my life.  I have been dibble dabbling in some ideas.  One is buying a vacation home, which I love this idea because I could get away and just be and write.  Another is beginning an MBA program.  I'm smiling because the Fray just came on Pandora "I'll look after you".  Love it.  Anyways, I also have been getting that motherly itch.  I held a baby last Friday for the first time in several months, a 5 week old boy, and I almost started crying.  How I long to be a mother.  So like I said, I'm scattered brained.  I find that when this happens, a big, big change usually follows. Ironically, I finally feel settled here.  It has taken almost two years but I finally feel that sense of home.  I have a great routine back in my life, which is what I thrive on.  I like knowing what's happening each day and finally I have some sort of normalcy. But still, my thoughts are scattered.  I have also had trouble completing the writing for my book.  I know that I am strong enough to look back, but do I want to?  And my blog has suffered too...as you have noticed.  So with all of that being said...here's the solution. I honestly feel that when there is confusion, difficulty, cloudy thoughts, it's best to get back to the basics.  Start from the beginning and work you way through it.  For example, for me, it's getting back into my journal.  It is a new day and I have to write about it.  I have to capture these feelings, thoughts, behaviors that's driving me right now.  It gets me focused, grounded. I need that right now, but I know as soon as I say this...change is gonna come.  It's in the air.

When You Don't Know What You Want

So, I have taken a break from writing.  I miss it.  But for me, blogging is still new and it's hard for me to get the emotional connection so I guess this is why I shy away from blogging.  But I do know I have a very few following and for them, this is why I explain why I haven't been blogging.  So over these past few weeks I have been thinking about things in my life that I have really, really, wanted.  Specifically things related to the heart.  I have had some tremendous loves, really amazing loves in my life thus far.  I know that there are some people who have not experienced the kind of love that I have in life and for that I count myself fortunate. When I love, I love with everything I have.  I'm not the kind of person that half-asses anything, especially love.  One would think, "that's great! you've got it figured out!".  Ummm...no!  With all of my passion and intensity, if that is not reciprocated, which in most of these cases, it has not been, I wind up with a broken heart.  I have loved hard but I have also broken my heart into pieces. I remember each heart break too and picking up the pieces to begin all over again.  Someone wise once told me, that these men who have broken my heart, don't really love me, the real me.  They love the idea of me and especially the way I make them feel about themselves.  They become addicted by how I make them feel and then when they get their "fix" they leave me until they need another fix and back they come to take what they need for themselves.  It's hard to admit this but, I have to agree with this.  So I have become a master at looking for red flags and detecting these behaviors and when I do, it's over.  No more friendship, no more love, no more me for them.  This can get volatile at times but I have to remember what they say in the safety announcement before each plane takes off.  "Make sure your oxygen mask if fully on and working properly before you help anyone else with their mask."  This is my life motto now.  Not because I'm selfish and do not want to help, but because I do tend to give too much, and really, like the saying goes, one must save themselves before anyone else can help.  So, I would say, when you do not know what you want, do nothing.  Stop, quiet yourself and listen.  Eventually the answers will come if you trust yourself enough to be still and listen.

Responding....

It's a rainy Saturday morning and I am o.k. with that today.  There is something so calming to waking up on Saturday listening to the rain fall and play connect the dots on the windows.  This is my favorite time to write.  I often get asked what it is that I write about, or what is my blog about.  The only way I can respond is simply..."It's about me."  I've been having a tough time lately with some areas of my life that I just can't figure out.  One is the "love" department...don't even get me started with that...that is whole other book...that I am writing, slowly.  The other, surprisingly enough is my work.  I've loved my job for so long that it feels strange to not love it right now.  I work in corporate America.  The expectation is everything needs to arrive like Cinderella's glass slipper on a silk covered pillow...but cheap! Americans like their gadgets, their brands, their image, but it has to be cheap!!! UGH...so with my work, one thing you don't want it is cheap.  You do get what you pay for which is not always safe.  So...I'm burned out.  But all of this rushing around has really made me stop ironically and think about what I'm doing.  I had a " ah-ha!" moment this week that I responded to.  Instinctively just responded and it scared me.  Don't get me wrong it felt great taking my power and using it to stand up for myself and my value, but then after I did, I realized that I laid the gauntlet down.  But I stand behind my response because all in all, I realized that I wasn't being valued for the work, the time or the energy that I put forth and that bothered me.  In any relationship, professional, personal or romantic, one has to feel valued.  If  you don't then why are you there?  If you constantly feel that whatever you do, say, give, contribute is never going to be good enough, then why do you stay?  What makes us devalue our self worth in order to give someone else more than what they have earned from us?  Is it that we feel guilty perhaps that we should be doing more?  Why? Why is this?  I think that all of us are guilty of feeling like this on some level but the truth of the matter is, we shouldn't.  The root of our problem is essentially at our root, at our core.  Animals respond to each other through signals, scents, behaviors and instinct.  This is also in our nature...it's called our gut reaction or response.  We start to respond instinctively and then the human side, the cultured side, the tamed side tells us.."NO!", when sometimes, we need to do exactly what our gut, our core, our animalistic natural instinctive side tells us to do.  Like I said, sometimes, not all the time.  We all know some people who this nature is very strong and they come across not always positive or with the best intentions.  So, I guess it's balance.  I guess it's getting to know your Mooladhara and Manipura, creating balancing and using those instincts when you need to. It's being you, your true self, and not apologizing for it.

Past Lives

I think that a lot of people do not believe in past lives, or they do and they will never admit it.  Ha.  I do believe in them.  Why?  Because I look at my life and how many changes or "lives" I've had thus far.  So it furthers my belief in past lives.  I have had many changes in my life which I call my "past lives".  It's been quiet the journey but I'm glad I have experienced most of it.  Here's the thing...as I was watching one of my favorite episodes of "Sex and the City", I vividly remember going through the very same scenario over and over and over again.  Like when Carrie was leaving NY and moving to Paris and suddenly out of no where, he finally shows up.  Big was there and trying so hard to tell her that he finally realized he loved her and that she was the ONE.  After all of the heartache, tears, passion, sex, intimacy and love, Big finally got it.  Of course this was after Carrie had decided that for her and her heart that time was over and it was time to move on... to Paris.  Isn't this how it always is? Umm... no, it's not.  I would give anything for my Big to realize that we belong together and fight for me to come back to him.  Does he ever think about me?  Does he ever wish he will run into me?  Probably not...but oh how I think about him and our relationship and how close we were to having it all.  Adel's song "Rolling in the Deep" says it all.."We could've had it all", but we didn't and now we won't.  We are just breakable girls and boys.  Will we ever learn through our "past lives" the lessons we need to be happy, whole, and at peace?  Will we?  I pray to God that we do...I pray that we do.  Well as the fairy tale goes, the happy ending does come, one day.  Big followed Carrie all the way to Paris to tell her exactly.."Carrie...you're the One! I love you."  And...she loved him back and happily ever after came for her.  She finally got her happy ending...Here's hoping we all get our happy ending!

Hot Shower

There's really nothing like a hot shower.  I think that a hot shower would do on a cold, winter's day, or after a long hard workout, or on a crisp spring morning.  It just has a way of washing everything away inside and out.  To me I always feel like I have to take a long hot shower at night to wash the day away, and all that that applies.  This week has been an emotional roller coaster to say the least.  Valentine's day is approaching and I don't have a Valentine.  That's the heart of my matter this week.  But other than that, which I will dive into in a moment, this week's events have really made me think about some people in my life.  When is it time to say goodbye, stop sharing, stop...letting them in?  When is it time to dig in and hang in there for the sake of the relationship?  What if it's not done?  What if it's not over yet?  How do we know when to walk away?  How do we know when to protect ourselves, and stop protecting the dysfunction that hurts us?  What is it that Pink sings about.."When it's good it's so good till it goes bad.  Then you try to find the you that you once had..."  Yeah...that's about right.  Or maybe think of it this way, you have to say no to someone else in order to say yes to yourself.  I don't have the answers to these questions, but what I do know is from questioning all of the above.  Be true to yourself.  If someone or something makes you change who you are in order for them to love you, perhaps that is not the person you are supposed to be with forever.  Perhaps that's your teacher.  Teaching you to never give up on yourself.  To not change unless you want to change for the better of your soul.  Maybe this person was placed in your life to teach you in some way shape or form, to love yourself and who you really are.  To fight for yourself and the life you want to live.  I have had one of these teachers in my life, and he taught me well. He brought the fighter out in me.  Not physically, but mentally and emotionally.  He made me fight for my freedom, my life, my soul.  I will always remember him for that.

On the flip side, this ex-lover did bring out the fighter in me, so I am hoping that my next love will bring out the lover in me.  I know it's there. It's screaming to come out, like a kid in a candy store.  I just don't know what I have to do to find this love.  It's so hard because, I think that love happens when you least expect it, when you're not even looking for it.  Poof!  It's here!  I'm still waiting on the "poof".  So with Valentine's Day on Tuesday, I find myself fantasizing about settling in with a glass of wine or two, a great movie, and my love.  I don't need a production, just a "normal" night with my love.  This is what I think about.  Will I ever have that person sitting next to me on the couch watching mindless t.v.?  Will I ever have someone to come home to again?  Or sleep next to me in bed and wake up with me in the morning?  I hope so.  With that I challenge all of you who have your love with you to think on these things.  Because when you do, you may realize that everyday is Valentine's Day, just as the song says.

Letting Go

I have a really hard time letting go.  No matter how hard I try, I cannot force myself to let go of things.  There comes a point in time where you have to give up, or let go for your own sanity's sake.  Perhaps I have such a hard time with this notion of letting go because I was always taught to never give up.  Never, ever, ever give up!  So I press on.  I fight.  I dwell.  I stand in the storm, hoping some day, one beautiful, glorious day, the storm will pass and the light will return.  This obviously cannot happen until we "let go" and "let God" or "our Source" take over.  I heard this saying and I cannot seem to get it out of my head.  "Humans make plans, and God laughs."  It's so true though, isn't it?  It doesn't matter how many plans we make, in the end it doesn't really matter because God has his own plans and they are perfect in every way.  This is hard to accept for a control freak like me, but I can tell you that when I have "let go" and just "went with the flow"some of the most amazing things have happened.  Seriously.  Some of the most memorable moments, connections, or experiences have blossomed.  This is my positive re-enforcement to continue to "let go".   I have been told to "let go" by other people who have come into my life, as in yoga teachers, healers and some of my very best friends.  Although I responded with "I know", I really didn't know until I finally did, let go.  I let go and I cried.  I cried because all of the junk I was holding onto, just left.  All of the "plans" that I made, seemed so silly. When I finally let go, and closed my mind to the past and the future, and opened my eyes to the present, I finally found my mountain.  I found me again.  That little voice in my heart that said "Here I am! I've been waiting for you and I've been here the whole time." So, I cried harder.  However, I still have a tendency to "control" and "plan" but I am trying to remember, God's laughing.  And that makes me laugh.  It's a work in progress but I'm going to try everyday to remember to be "flexible" and "go with the flow!"  Today I watched the ducks and the geese swimming in the pond and I thought to myself " That's my goal!".  To swim effortlessly.  To live effortlessly.  To love effortlessly.  In Yoga we chant Om.  We chant it three times.  The first Om is to let go of the past.  The second Om is to let go of the future.  And the third Om is to be or live in the present.  This is what I repeat to myself daily.  Just let go.  This is my last entry in this one journal book that has literally been, impossible to write, live and just exist.  This one was my hardest by far to experience.  I am relieved to be done with it.  So with that I say, goodbye past, hello present and future, well, I'll see ya when I get there.

The Soul's Call Home

There are things in life that for some reason or the other just wont dissipate, disappear or go away.  I've always believed that was the universe's way of say "No...you're not done yet." Or, "There isn't an expiration date on this!" Or, "You haven't learned the lesson yet, have you?".  To me, all of these reasons of why feelings, thoughts, actions, emotions, or people will not just go away.  This is also me trying to make sense of things.  They are frustrating as hell, but yet they make sense.  The bible says that God planted eternity in the human heart and even so we still cannot see the whole scope of his work from beginning to end.  It's a cycle, life that is.  It is forever and eternal.  So why do we think that things should end or come to a close?  Think about this, when we read something, a book, a blog, newspaper, whatever, there is always a final chapter, a final paragraph, a final sentence.  It's over, completed, done.  But is it?  No.  We can choose to open that book right back up and start over from the beginning and re-read it.  Have another experience with that book.  Perhaps it's the same experience every time but maybe it's not.  Regardless, we have made the choice to go back.  I happen to understand this concept more than I think anyone in my life. I do it all the time.  Return to a song, a book, a movie, a thought, a memory, a friend.  Sometimes the things or people I return to are not so good for me, and sometimes it's exactly what I need.  Regardless it reminds me of the happier times in my life, and I think that is why I go there.

Through all of my loves and losses, there is still one that I can't let go of.  I have definitely moved on in other areas of my life and tried relentlessly to move forward with other men, but this one man, I cannot let go.  I wish I could.  My heart wouldn't be so heavy.  Time and time again I come back to him, in my thoughts and heart.  If eternity lies in my heart, well then my feelings of love for him are eternally in my heart. And I can't help it!  I don't think I want to let him go.  I mean, I don't want to stop loving.  I choose to love him.  He's a good man and was my best friend for years.  He was there when all my other friends were hours away living their own lives, as people do.  He held my emotional and spiritual hand through my darkest days.  He made me laugh, so hard and so often.  He made me feel amazing about myself, inside and out.  There was no guard up around my heart.  I was open and honest and my true self with him.  And the really amazing thing about all of this was that I did the same for him.  I made him feel the same way.  I was his best friend, his confidant, his partner.  So truth be told, I like the way it makes me feel when I look back on that time.  How many of us can say that when they look back on past loves, it makes them feel happy and joyful?  Not many and certainly not me.  I don't look back on my other past loves and feel that way.  Not even close.  So what gives?  I don't know.  But part of me, a big part of me wonders if I'll ever see him again and if so, what would that be like?  Would it be like the time we meet in a Hotel lobby in Chicago for lunch?  I remember it was so busy that day, and I had just arrived there.  I was in the lobby with a thousand other people waiting for him to get off of the elevator.  I was on one side of the lobby and the elevators were on the opposite side.  I thought to myself, "He'll never find me in all of these people."  Finally the elevator doors opened and there he was.  He searched the crowed until his eyes and mine locked on each other, then our smiles.  Then suddenly through all of the chaos, he was standing there right in front of me.  Bright and shiny and embraced me with the best hug of my life.  Would it be like that?  Will he ever find me again?  I'd like to think so.  I choose to believe in eternity.

It Came Back

Something that I lost, a long time ago, perhaps almost two years ago or more, finally came back to me.  I finally found it! I remember being so upset when I lost it and trying so hard to find it but I couldn't ever find it.  I tried so many times and so many things to get my little treasure back and it was just...gone...forever! Ugh...the agony.  But finally I had to give up.  I had to let it go and move on which for me is extremely hard to do.  But I had to do this or drive myself crazy obsessing over this. And so I did.  I gave up the search and moved on. Then two years later I found it.  Just like that...it appeared.  I just happened to stumble over it so simply and easily that it shocked me especially after all the time and effort I had put into searching for it.  But, there it was just where I had left it.  It was an amazing feeling to find something that I had literally buried my soul in and gave me such comfort in a time in my life that was so confusing, to finally have it back in my hands.  Honestly, it was so overwhelming to have it again that I've kind of been a little obsessed with it.  I mean, I'm blogging about this little treasure.  But it's really not about my lost treasure, it's about the way that treasure made me feel. I could use this as an escape.  I can look back to where I was in those moments and where I am today and just breathe and be happy and release.  I made it!  I really did make it to the other side and all of those memories, are the building blocks for my future.  Mostly, I feel like I have a piece of myself back. A piece of me that has been missing for a while.  I know this doesn't make a lot of sense, but it will.  In time it will.

What is it that was so special to me that finally came back into my life?  It was my music.  I found all of my old play lists that I had buried somewhere deep in my computer and couldn't recover.  Listen, I am not the most technically savvy girl...that's why I went to the Apple store and the Apple guy couldn't get them back for me.  So you can imagine my surprise when I was fooling around on my computer and suddenly there they were. All of the songs that I put together to help me get through tough times, joyful times and just starting over times.  These songs unlocked a part of me that has been kept under lock and key for a very long time.  They represent a new start.  They represent all of my fire, my spirit, my drive, my passion and the sheer determination that is embedded in me for the best life I can possibly live.  And so, it begins. Right here and now.  First with this blog, and next with the book I'm working on.  So, as I go along my journey, I hope all of the special people in my life will go along too.  Here's to 2012!